{"id":7189,"date":"2008-08-05T21:26:18","date_gmt":"2008-08-06T01:26:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/?p=7189"},"modified":"2018-08-06T09:58:24","modified_gmt":"2018-08-06T13:58:24","slug":"upon-smoke-break","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/?p=7189","title":{"rendered":"Once Upon a Smoke Break"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"MVC-004F\"<\/p>\n

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight<\/A>)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been almost 8 years since I first began writing online<\/a>. Eight years. Eight. Huh. How about that? I\u2019ve been missing it lately. I need to do it more frequently again. Lord knows I still have plenty of stories to tell.<\/p>\n

Like this one:<\/p>\n

Occasionally I enjoy a good cigarette, a dirty little tendency I\u2019ve picked up over the past several months. There\u2019s nothing like a little nicotine buzz when you\u2019re stressing over so many things that sooner or later you realize aren\u2019t worth your time, energy or health stressing over. Ignoring the health issue for the moment, there is something satisfying in flicking your finger at life, flicking your Bic for a light, and taking a moment for yourself.<\/p>\n

I have noticed that my desire to indulge the tendency increases in direct proportion to the level of stress and bullshit I have to cope with on any given day. However, the Big Corporation I work for does not allow any smoking on their premises. You can\u2019t smoke in your own car on company premises. You either have to walk out to the road and make sure you stand off their grass or take a drive to smoke.<\/p>\n

Being that I do not like the smell of smoke on my clothes or in my car, the driving option doesn\u2019t work well for me, unless I stop somewhere and get out.<\/p>\n

And here\u2019s where the story gets freaky.<\/p>\n

One afternoon, bright and sunny, I went out. A quarter mile from the office is a simple road which passes a few farms and a handful of houses. There are numerous wooded lots along the way. I turned down this road, did a u-turn in a driveway, stopped by some woods, still fully on the road, not on anyone\u2019s property. Key point \u2013 NOT on anyone\u2019s property. I stood on the road.<\/p>\n

No sooner had I lit my organic American Spirit cigarette when I heard a crashing noise in the woods. I expected to see a deer coming through. Instead, here came a man bounding through the brush in nothing but cut-off shorts and boots. He was running full speed through branches and weeds. And he did not slow down until he ran around the back of my car and straight up in my face.<\/p>\n

\u201cCAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?\u201d he asked in what to me would be categorized as a deranged way. With a hint of menace.<\/p>\n

Startled, I replied, \u201cNo, I\u2019m okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

Taking a step closer and leaning towards me, he sneered, \u201cSO YOU WERE JUST LEAVING THEN?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWha\u2026.? What? Yeah, as soon as I smoke this cigarette.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNOT HERE!!!!!\u201d inching closer, flexing his chest and clenching his fists.<\/p>\n

I thought, this dude is gonna hit me! Here it comes. I am going to get beaten to hell on this country road with no witnesses before I even get to take my second drag. The surgeon general\u2019s warning is right. Smoking kills! It looked like my time was up.<\/p>\n

Despite the queasy nervousness in my belly and that elementary school I\u2019m-gonna-piss-my-pants quivering in my groin, I somehow managed to calmly, maybe even cheerily, say, \u201cOkay, man, no problem. Sure. I\u2019ll go somewhere else.\u201d I wanted to pull off one of those scenes like John Cusack, Jack Black, and Todd Louiso in \u201cHigh Fidelity.\u201d<\/a> If only I had two other guys with me, and a phone to smash this guy in the mouth, and an air conditioner to pull out of a window and drop on his face. (No, don\u2019t even tell me you didn\u2019t see that movie.)<\/p>\n

I bounced into my car and pulled away, smoke in my interior, smoke on my clothes. Damn it.<\/p>\n

But what the hell just happened back there?? Was the guy on crack? Or was he just pissed off at too many people stopping to smoke near his property because Big Corp. won\u2019t let us smoke on theirs? Was he in the process of murdering someone in his shed and didn\u2019t want me to hear the hacking and sawing? Dressed the way he was, I have a sneaking suspicion he was filming porn in the back yard.<\/p>\n

I drove over to a parking lot off of the main road. I stood by my car wondering about the incident and still attempting get a hold of my groin. (Take that as you like.)<\/p>\n

What the hell is that in the weeds?<\/p>\n

An abandoned toilet! A toilet?<\/p>\n

I raised my hands to the sky, looking up to ask, \u201cWhat the hell is going on in this world?\u201d Only to spot a pair of old boots hanging from a branch above my head.<\/p>\n

\"20080805toilet\"<\/p>\n

\"20080805boots\"<\/p>\n

Of course, the way my mind works, I instantly imagined some guy exploding off that toilet in the weeds and losing his boots as he shot through the sky. It\u2019s every bit as plausible as the guy rocketing through the woods to greet me moments before.<\/p>\n

So, I will try to resist the bad tendencies and give in to the good ones by writing more stories online. Like the one about the time I mistakenly went into the women\u2019s room at my daughter\u2019s high school graduation. Or the one about the time I dropped my 16-pound bowling ball on wind-up on a night the bowling alley was packed. Or the one about the time I threw up all over the library floor after eating fruit cocktail. Oh, I wrote about that already<\/a>. Don\u2019t worry. I have others. Be prepared. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight) It\u2019s been almost 8 years since I first began writing online. Eight years. Eight. Huh. How about that? I\u2019ve been missing it lately. I need to do it more frequently again. Lord knows I still have plenty of stories to tell. Like this one: Occasionally I enjoy a … Continue reading “Once Upon a Smoke Break”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[47,24,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7189","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-heron-flight","category-social-commentary","category-stories"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7189","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7189"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7189\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7192,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7189\/revisions\/7192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7189"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7189"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bloggingsam.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7189"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}