Sir Elton John the Baby Bandit
Last night I had a dream that Elton John tried to run off with my baby boy.
My wife and I were on a train with our son. I don’t know where we were going. We were just minding our own business.
Who came walking down the aisle of the train but Elton John! He stopped when you saw us and asked if he could hold the baby. We were like, “Sure! You’re friggin Elton John! Of course you can hold our kid!”
Elton made baby noises at our little boy. He seemed to be enjoying holding the little guy.
Then he just wandered off!
I followed him, calling out to him, asking where he was going.
Elton then slid a big door open, like the doors on freight cars, and he jumped out with the baby while the train was moving!
I, of course, jumped out too. I don’t care if you are Elton John. You aren’t getting away with my baby!
I caught up to Elton and he didn’t have the baby. He pointed under the train, which had stopped by then. There was my little boy lying on the black stones of the railway bed. I ran and picked him up.
Elton then started crying. He kept repeating, “Now I’m in trouble! Now I’m in trouble!”
I said, “Look, Elton, just forget about it. Let’s get back on the train before it starts rolling again.”
“Now I’m in trouble! Now I’m in trouble!”
Music began to play from within the train.
Elton: “Hey! They’re playing music in there!”
Me: “Come on, man! That’s the signal that the train’s about to leave!”
I began climbing into the train with my baby in one arm. But as dreams usually go, it wasn’t as simple as climbing back into the open door. I was climbing on metal bars like a jungle gym. The door to the train was many feet above me. I kept climbing and climbing, worrying that I wasn’t going to make it into the train before it started moving, worrying that I’d drop the baby, or that we would both fall. The climbing seemed to go on for a very long time.
I don’t know if we made it. I don’t know if Elton started climbing to get back on the train. The last I saw him he was lying next to the train bemoaning the fact that he was in trouble. All I know is Captain Fantastic didn’t get away with my boy. No, sir!