(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Remember these? Razzles?

This has always been one of the most frustrating candies or gums or whatever it really is. As a candy it doesn’t taste that great. When you first chew it, it feels like it’s just falling apart into little chunks in your mouth. Then it suddenly morphs into gum. However, the flavor only lasts about three seconds and its size shrinks away to almost nothing. Plus, it must have some super synthetic craving enducers designed to drive your taste buds nuts. You can’t stop popping these things into your mouth just to replenish the flavor, which only leaves you desperate for another in no time. It’s a vicious downward spiral. Before you know it you’re strung out on the whole bag and crawling your way back to the 7-Eleven with a big tasteless wad in your mouth, pathetically trying to say, “More Razzles please!” But the dark eyed cashier, whose English vocabulary consists of only six words, hears you say, “My ass leaks cheese,” and stupidly points you to the Slurpee machine.

See what I mean by frustrating?

Posted at 12:10 PM (EST)

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Ever feel like biting someone’s head off? Have a few people on your scene who deserve to have their heads chewed off and spit out like a piece of rancid beef? Would you do it if you knew you could get away with it?

Well… Until you come up with your plan for the perfect head chomping crime, I’ve got a little diversion for you. VOODOO PEEPS! These little peckers are oh so willing to vicariously give their lives in place of the big peckers in your life who really deserve to have there heads gnawed off. And it keeps you out of trouble!

First, start with a fresh box of marshmallow Peeps at Easter time. Remove the wrapping and put the box away somewhere. Forget about it until July.

Second, when some fowl excuse for a human being gets your tail feathers all in a knot, remove one of your little Peep friends from the box. (Note: Though you are peeved and all in a huff like a hen who just laid the mother of all eggs, be gentle in removing the Peep so as not to tear the guts out of his fellow beside him. You will need him at a later date for sure. Jerks of a feather flock together. If you have one jerk in your life, more are bound to follow.) Carefully position the Peep within your finger tips, using your pinky as a perch for your sugar-feathered friend.

Step three, the most satisfying part of the process: With gusto and delight, with soaring abandon, yet with precision, bite the hell out of his little soft body and rip his head right off his mallow shoulders! Do it as a starved buzzard who hasn’t seen a rotting carcass in weeks! Birds do not have teeth, but you do! Do your carnivorous worst! Bare those canines! Chomp down! Fill his jugular with all of your venemous anger!

But! Before you swallow, savor the moment! Toss his little egg-head around within your cheeks! Allow his sticky little cranium to migrate from one side of your mouth to the other! Suck his little brains out and feel your frustrations flock away as so many startled sparrows!

Finally… Ingest and smile!

Feel better? I knew you would! (A little birdy told me!)

May the purple Peep of happiness send droppings of peace upon you always! (Send pieces of droppings on you always?? Nah!!)

Posted at 11:55 PM (EST)