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Voodoo Peeps

By Sam
on Jul 09, 2003
in Continuum..., My Favorites, Social Commentary

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Ever feel like biting someone’s head off? Have a few people on your scene who deserve to have their heads chewed off and spit out like a piece of rancid beef? Would you do it if you knew you could get away with it?

Well… Until you come up with your plan for the perfect head chomping crime, I’ve got a little diversion for you. VOODOO PEEPS! These little peckers are oh so willing to vicariously give their lives in place of the big peckers in your life who really deserve to have there heads gnawed off. And it keeps you out of trouble!

First, start with a fresh box of marshmallow Peeps at Easter time. Remove the wrapping and put the box away somewhere. Forget about it until July.

Second, when some fowl excuse for a human being gets your tail feathers all in a knot, remove one of your little Peep friends from the box. (Note: Though you are peeved and all in a huff like a hen who just laid the mother of all eggs, be gentle in removing the Peep so as not to tear the guts out of his fellow beside him. You will need him at a later date for sure. Jerks of a feather flock together. If you have one jerk in your life, more are bound to follow.) Carefully position the Peep within your finger tips, using your pinky as a perch for your sugar-feathered friend.

Step three, the most satisfying part of the process: With gusto and delight, with soaring abandon, yet with precision, bite the hell out of his little soft body and rip his head right off his mallow shoulders! Do it as a starved buzzard who hasn’t seen a rotting carcass in weeks! Birds do not have teeth, but you do! Do your carnivorous worst! Bare those canines! Chomp down! Fill his jugular with all of your venemous anger!

But! Before you swallow, savor the moment! Toss his little egg-head around within your cheeks! Allow his sticky little cranium to migrate from one side of your mouth to the other! Suck his little brains out and feel your frustrations flock away as so many startled sparrows!

Finally… Ingest and smile!

Feel better? I knew you would! (A little birdy told me!)

May the purple Peep of happiness send droppings of peace upon you always! (Send pieces of droppings on you always?? Nah!!)

Posted at 11:55 PM (EST)

A Public Service Announcement

By Sam
on Jul 07, 2003
in Continuum..., Social Commentary

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

WARNING!! FOUL LANGUAGE APPROACHING!!

Just got this in a CNN Breaking News email…

“U.S. offers $25 million reward for information leading to capture of Saddam Hussein, or proof of his death, officials say.”

I’m sorry, but 25 MILLION fucking dollars?????? Pardon my Arabic, but that’s a lot of money! Why not spend it on our children right here in America? Why not spend it to better the piss poor American education system? Why not give it to those humanitarian agencies who are struggling to feed hungry children in our cities? How many humanitarian agencies are forced to cut programs which benefit the elderly, handicapped or otherwise needy U.S. citizens due to funding cut backs by federal and state governments? You know what? Keep our fucking money in our own country for our own people for a fucking change, you bastards! How many middle and lower class Americans are struggling just to make ends meet while housing costs go through the roof and our jobs fall out from beneath our feet as greedy corporations seek to expand their profits by sending our jobs overseas? How about doing something for our own damn economy? We need to get our heads out of our asses and our noses out of the Arabian sand. We are too worried about fixing the rest of the world while our own country is rotting from the inside.

This has been a public service announcement from the fucker who runs this website.

Posted at 11:55 AM (EST)