As Graceful as a Gorilla

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

So, yesterday I got slapped up side the head by a migraine. I suspected one would be coming any day now. I’ve been pushing myself and not getting much rest lately. So I wasn’t surprised when this one came along just after 1 in the afternoon, just after lunch and just before I spit in the face of the girl who sits next to me at work.

What?

What happened was this…

I got a typical migraine that started off with blind spots. No big deal. It’s only half of my field of vision that gets wiped out. I stood up to get my migraine medicine out of my drawer. Big old pretty green and white capsules. The girl who sits next to me at work happened to be standing up in her cube, looked at me over the wall and said, “Man! You look bad!” I said that I just got a migraine, popped a capsule in my mouth and took a big mouthful of Arizona peach iced tea. I second later, while still looking at the girl who sits next to me at work just a few feet away from me, I gagged on the pill and sprayed her in the face with the iced tea. Oops! The look on her face was classic! But I felt like a moron! I couldn’t apologize enough for the rest of the day and all day today.

So now I am the target of tasteless spit remarks at work.

“Hey! You’re the spitting image of…”

“If you don’t do as I, the team leader, say, I’ll spit in your eye.”

“Maybe we need to build the walls of his cube higher or put a plexiglass spit shield all the way around the top of his cube.”

Ha ha. Very funny. No one seems to care that once I nearly died in the office while choking on one of my migraine pills. Go read about it here.

* * * * *
We had a department Christmas party at a nearby firehouse yesterday afternoon. It was a good time. The food was great. The wine was great. The desserts were great. The wine was great. The dancing was great. The wine was great. The dancing got even better because the wine was great.

I was feeling pretty wiped out by the time I got to the party. The girl who sits next to me at work and I had to park about five towns away by the time we got there. Well, it felt like that far away when we walked through the cold air. But we figured that was our punishment for not running at lunch lately. It was good to hang out and talk with some people. Eventually, after the proper amount of wine, I did get out on the dance floor for a little bit. But I was about as graceful as a gorilla with two wooden legs and faulty equilibrium. It was fun to be out there with some of the crazies and to have a certain fine young lady dance around me. “I’m just gonna stand here and look sexy while you dance around me, baby.” Right on.

* * * * *
It is a well known maxim of the ages…

“One’s perception of his own sexiness increases in exponential proportion to one’s intake of alcohol.”

The same can be said of a man’s perception of the women around him invariably in nearly every social setting known to science.

* * * * *
It is another well known maxim of the ages…

“With increased intake of alcohol many ideas suddenly make complete sense.”

However, writing and sending an email to a girl after imbibing wine in a profuse and lengthy fashion may not be the best of ideas. Even if your intentions were sincere and free of all creepiness, she may yet be “freaked out” by the event. (And no, it won’t be due to your slurred typing alone.)

But I wouldn’t know by experience myself…

Posted at 9:00 PM (EST)

The Land of Ice and Snow

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(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Other than the roads, most things in our area were still covered with ice this morning. There are still several inches of snow on the ground.

I could not resist the urge to veer off the normal route to work and click of some photos this morning. It is my habit to carry my digital camera with me pretty much at all times. At first I thought I would simply take a few shots on the way as I continued to the office. However, as the sun rose over the mountains ahead, the trees shone as if they were made of glass. Since I had 10 or 15 minutes to spare this morning (amazingly), I turned off the highway and looped back around towards home and off onto some side roads for these pictures.

The photos turned out fairly well considering that I took them all in a short amount of time. I found myself racing against the clock in order to get to work by 9 AM and racing against the sun before it rose too high in the morning sky. As well, I needed to hurry in order to get the photos before the sun began to melt the ice. All in all, I’m pleased with the photos. My only regret is not having a filter in order to minimize the glare from the sun.

As a side note, a very good friend of mine gave me a very nice 35mm camera this past weekend. Once I get it serviced and buy a new flash for it, I intend to start compiling a nice portfolio of prints.

Enjoy the photos in the gallery: The Land of Ice and Snow.

Bestiality Blues

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

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I was going to write a journal entry about how I’m feeling about the holidays this year. But I just don’t have the heart to do it. To tell the truth, I got the holiday blues. (If you read some of the entries below you may have picked up on that already.)

Speaking of the blues… I’m listening to one of the blues CDs that I got on Saturday while I’m writing this. I just heard the following lines in a song called “I’m a Woman” by Koko Taylor:

I’m a woman
I can make love to a crocodile
I’m a woman
I can sing the blues.

Uh… What?

Is that some kind of hardcore blues? Punk blues? Feminism blues? Bestiality blues?

Is that why women don’t notice me? I’m not “scaley” enough? Are all the good women taken and the rest out shagging crocs? No wonder I have the blues.

Well, rather than spreading those blues to all of you, I’m going to give you this photo of these snow men. They look happy. Don’t they? Who are they? Dr. Evil and Mini Me? Kid Rock and J. C.? Or maybe this is the North Pole episode of “Fantasy Island.” “Boss! De sleigh! De sleigh!”

That’s enough from me tonight. I need some sleep. I hope I don’t have bad dreams. Those Koko Taylor lyrics put a really nasty image in my mind.

Posted at 11:50 PM (EST)

Spell “Marlana” Backwards

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

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Ice, ice, baby…

More snow here in New Jersey today. This evening it changed to rain and froze on everything. Some of the schools have already announced that they will be closed, others that they will have delayed openings.

It was a good day to do nothing again. So here’s the nothing I did…

A friend and I walked to the diner with my kids. We had a feast. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, steack sandwiches, fried shrimp, burgers, cheesecake, coffee, Pepsi. And of course, we harrassed the waitresses with our usual Snyder humor and antics. “Marlana? Her name is Marlana? Spell Marlana backwards. A-N-A-L-R-A-M. Anal ram. Hee hee hee.”

The afternoon was spent watching “I Love the 80s” on VH1. Funny! Snausages. Chicken McNuggets. Billy Idol. Gremlins. You get the idea.

This was followed by the second Charlie’s Angels movie. Dang! I’d let anyone of those girls beat me up like they did to plenty of guys in that movie! I’ll give you one try to guess which one of the three Angels I like the most.

Despite the ice, we ordered pizza for dinner. There is a place in our town that makes the best pizza in the world! It’s worth risking your life to drive to pick it up.

So that’s it. More nothing.

Posted at (EST)