(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

There is a law in New Jersey: you are not allowed to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a sexual assault. Damn! Because THAT is sexy!

“Excuse me while I slip into something a little more… protective.”

“Ooooo…. I love it when you wear Kevlar!”

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

My 20-something-year-old daughter says that Facebook is for “old” people.

Thems fightin’ words, girl!

First off, who you calling old? ME? Ha! That will be the day! Though I am 40-something I don’t intend to get any, to use your term, “older.” Yes, I said that when I was 20-something and again at 30-something. But I mean it this time! If I believe it hard enough it has to come true. The fountain of youth right here in my own mind. Ageless. Eternal. Trans-generational. There are young people. There are old people. And there is ME. Smart. Funny. Handsome as a jackrabbit. (?) And COOL.

Therein is the end of the argument. Face it. Facebook is way COOLER than MySpace. It’s sleek. It’s clean. It’s easy. It’s spiffy and state of the art. MySpace is… well, the last time I logged in there all I heard were crickets and distant echoes of past comments and bulletins. Old crusty profiles of people who have moved on to bigger and better. Facebook, baby, Facebook.

One of the cool things about Facebook is that I have reconnected with several past friends, people from high school (who will also kick your tushie if you call them old), people I regretfully lost touch with but now have found again.

Ah! But there is the proof of your argument, you say! “Facebook is where old people hook up with all their old high school pals. It started out as a website for college kids. But the old people took it over.” Well, sweetheart, guess what? Half your girlfriends on MySpace are now MY friends on Facebook! And I don’t have to worry about ranking them and rankling their feelings. We’re all equal friends here. Ageless and eternal. That’s right, Daddy’s friends with your friends. Daddy writes on their walls. And they write back.

But I guess you didn’t notice cause you’re still MySpacin’ over there. Was that a tumbleweed blowing through your profile? Knowing a better thing when you see it ain’t being old. It’s just, like I said, COOL. It’s time to upgrade, kid!

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

This isn’t the winning ticket??

I didn’t win the lottery, but a group of people from my office won the New Jersey Mega Millions drawing on March 3. Ten people. Rumor has it they are getting $14 million each.

Who hasn’t said the words, “If I win the lottery I would…?” (And usually the first thing stated is that you would quit your job on the spot, right?)

Well, has anyone ever seriously dreamed about what they would do if they DID NOT win the lottery but ten people that they knew DID?

“If ten people I knew won the lottery and I didn’t, I would… wait for them in the parking garage and rob them.”

“If ten people I knew won the lottery and I didn’t, I would… be depressed and talk shit on them all day.”

“If ten people I knew won the lottery and I didn’t, I would… quit my job on the spot for a split second just to see what it felt like.”

“If ten people I knew won the lottery and I didn’t, I would… pretend that I was in a Wonka movie and sing loudly, ‘I’ve got a Golden Ticket!'”

“If ten people I knew won the lottery and I didn’t, I would… probably post a dumb picture of myself on my website and let everyone know I was a loser.”

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

There’s a note on the vending machine that says, “Lost $1.00 on 11/20. It did not register.”

What do you think that means? Did they not realize they lost $1? But then how did they think to leave the note?

I’m confused. People should have more consideration for people with minds like mine.

Although, without their ambiguity, what would I have to write about today?