(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Welcome to the show! Are you old enough to remember when Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom was on television on Sunday nights? I believe it was on right before the Wonderful World of Disney.

And now… your hosts for this evening’s show…

Marlin Perkins and… some strange guy…

And now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let’s explore our planet’s wildlife… Go ahead and click on the pictures to see almost but not quite life size versions of these ferocious critters. Don’t be scared! They aren’t real. They are just digital images taken by the nut job who runs this website.

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Oh look! It’s the New Jersey Single-eyed Dove! Don’t get too close! She’ll pluck your eye out ’cause she has eye envy. You have two good eyes and she only has one. This particular species of carnivorous dove lives right in Mom’s back yard!

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“Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it?”

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Shhh! It doesn’t take much to scare off this majestic looking fellow. It’s amazing that he even posed for as long as he did when our car came to a screeching halt on this country road and we jumped out and clicked his picture!

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Moving along down another country road, what do we have here?

“Set! 22! 59! Hike!”

Nah! I’m just kidding! They aren’t really playing football! But it does make one wonder why they are standing in such a formation. And it reminds me of my cow tipping days when I was just a little lad growing up here in Omaha. Just push the one on the top of the hill over and they will all tumble like dominoes! What fun! Cowminoes! (Is a “cowmino” really the same thing as a “calf”? Hmm… Something is a little fishy here…)

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Since we are on the farm now, let’s take a look at this proud fellow. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Is he thinking what we are thinking? Can roosters hike their legs?

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Oh man! Uh… Ah… We better move along folks. I kinda put a picture of his dead brother on the internet. Oh boy! I think he recognizes me! Ya never know about these guys! They can be kinda squirrely! Come on… Move along now…

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Oh look! No, up there! It’s a Northeastern Hop Pigeon! See how he looks just like an ordinary pigeon yet only has one leg! These fellows are not very common. But now and then you might spot one in cities such as Manhattan.

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What? Oh, splendid! You found a mantis! A big one too! Thank you for your participation!

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Well… Our time is up now everyone. But wait! Look who just arrived! (No, that is not another salad picture.) It’s Mr. Slug! Slow and slimy wins the race! Right?

Thank you for tuning in, my friends!

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(This show has been brought to you by Just-Needed-Something-To-Write-About Productions in association with Utterly Ridiculous Web Writers Omynous.)

Posted at 11:15 PM (EST)