I really need to lose weight. I’m tired of hauling around this baggage. I am literally 225 pounds of TIRED. I need to feel better.

Tonight I was preparing dinner using this recipe for the Perfect Eye Round Roast. Somewhere on the page I noticed a reference to “the Paleo Lifestyle.” I’ve referred to this recipe multiple times over the past few years and just now noticed “Paleo Lifestyle.” I excuse my previous lack of observation on a Just-Give-Me-The-Recipe-I-Gotta-Make-Dinner laser-like focus. “My wife will be home and I gotta get this roast done right!” I didn’t have time for your Paleo Lifestyle. Where is Paleo anyway? In the Mediterranean?

So I googled Paleo Lifestyle and found that it can be summed up in a nutshell as: “If a caveman didn’t eat it, neither should you.” See, I was right. Mediterranean. Cavemen were early humans and human life most likely originated in the Mediterranean vicinity, generally speaking. The logic is right.

The proposition appeals to me. Don’t eat anything that was not available to the hunter-gatherers. That’s not so bad. It would take some getting used to. I just have to ask myself: Does this food grow on a tree or run through a savanna? If yes, eat it. If no, stay away. For example, does chocolate cake grow on a tree? No. Don’t eat it.

No cake? I might have to give up before I even try.

Then again, maybe all the cake is killing me.

I feel that I am in dire need of a detox. I am so desirous of a pure diet right now that my mouth waters at the thought of a fresh carrot. It’s time for a change.

But my first question is: Is coffee allowed in a Paleo diet? Cavemen must have gathered coffee beans. I vaguely remember an episode of the Flintstones in which Fred and Barney met up at Starbucks and discussed slate quarry union business over mugs of fresh hot Sumatra roast. No biscotti, of course.

My second question: Is cream allowed? I need cream in my Joe. I suppose I could get used to black coffee for the sake of my health. But coffee with cream goes much better with cake… from my cake tree… imported from Germany… the Black Forest. German Black Forest cake. (The logic is flawless.)

I shall investigate this Paleo Lifestyle further.