Tell them what they’ve won, Johnny!

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Here are a few responses to the “What is It?” from April 21.

Our first contestant…

It’s “a golf ball with eyes.”

NOPE!

Contestant number two…

“Well imagination time…..

It looks like two stones, figures wading in the water, then, walking away, the ripple effect of the second picture gives the sense of water moving as they move.

But that’s imagination.

In reality it’s an ink blot….”

In reality you are wrong! Imagine that!

“Tell them what they’ve won, Johnny!”

“Well, Sam, they didn’t win the cruise to the Bahamas. They didn’t win the deluxe washer/dryer/microwave three-in-one appliance. But they did win, to the envy of all their friends, a big ol’ bag of nuttin!”

“Thanks for playing! Tune in tomorrow boys and girls for an all new episode of ‘Squeal of Torture!'”

“Wait! I’d like to buy a bowel! I mean a vowel!”

Posted at 12:15 PM (EST)

Lacking Taste

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

You’re not going to believe this. I asked a girl out and she turned me down. I told you you wouldn’t believe it! It wasn’t intended to be a big romantic candle light dinner kind of date. I asked her to go to MOMA to see the Matisse/Picasso exhibit with me. You know, kind of a cultural, artsy kind of thing to do. But she wiggled her way out of it by mumbling something about being afraid to go into New York because of terrorism and stuff. “It was very nice of you to ask though.”

“Sure. I understand.”

I understand now that a guy’s dating success rate rises or falls in direct proportion to a woman’s perceived comfort in regard to world peace.

(Please take a moment and pray now for world peace. I beg you!)

I was relating this incident to a FRIEND of mine in the UK who is a wonderful artist and loves Matisse. Here is her reaction to me getting “dissed.”

“Sam,

I am absolutely stunned that anyone could turn down the chance of a date at Matisse/Picasso WITH YOU.

She has no taste!

J.”

And my response:

“J,

Now this email made me smile! That’s right! She has no taste! It’s one thing to neglect Matisse. It’s another thing to reject Picasso. But it’s a crime against all things artistic (autistic?) to turn down Sam Snyder!

I’ll be seeing her later in the day. I think I will give her my best Picasso. You know, shift my nose just below my left eye, distort my mouth, move my right eye onto my chin, and cut off an ear. That will get her! Then she will wish she had said yes!

Yours,
Sam”

Yes, I am still going to see the exhibit. I already had tickets to go with my cousin and my kids before I asked the girl who does not appreciate fine art. Her loss.

Would I ask her out again? Sure! I thrive on that rejection stuff! It builds character! I’m living proof! I’m quite a character. (And besides that, I really kind of like her.)

But enough of this saga. Go on about your normal lives people. Nothing more to see here. Be well and pray for world peace!

Posted at 11:00 AM (EST)

WHAT IS IT???

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

WHAT IS IT???

Can you guess what these pictures are? Send me an email with your guess.

Get it right and you will win your very own, one of a kind, fancy-dancy, suitable for framing email response from me! Ooooo! I can see the excitement and anticipation in your eyes already!

Come on! Don’t be shy! Step right up and guess away!

20030421whatisit1

20030421whatisit2

Posted at 4:30 PM (EST)

The Things People Search On – #2

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Time for another installment of search results.

Lately, a lot of people have been searching for “rainy day pictures” and finding my Rainy Day Pictures. I figure these must be the really depressed people in our society. Also, I’ve had a lot of people searching for the lyrics to “Black Water” by the Doobie Brothers. (See “Don’t Lose that Number”.) Is there some sort of Doobie revival going on or something? I’ve had several visitors of late who have looked through the complete set of The Daily Chia pictures. These are the really bored people in our society.

One thing that certain people in our society search for a lot is “dirty pictures.” There are variations to this: “dirty photos,” “dirty picture gallery,” “dirty thumbnails,” and even “dirty frog pictures.” Hmmm. I would love to see the eagerness draining from their faces when the images on My Dirty Pictures begin to load! What a “dirty” rat I am! What a “dirty” sense of humor! (Yes, this photo gallery is safe for viewers of all ages. It’s purpose is only to annoy the “dirty” among the visitors.)

Now for a list of some funny, strange, and otherwise interesting search criteria.

Search Criteria Destination
smbluebulletGeeky Programmer Picture smbluebullet“Last Week in Java Class”
smbluebulletRubber Chicken Juggling smbluebullet“Finkledorff, Finkledorff, Where Have You Been?”
smbluebulletI am a sissy.  I am a 15 year old girl. smbluebullet“Everyday Stuff”
smbluebulletSmoking Oysters smbluebullet“The Oyster and the Personality Test”
smbluebulletMy First Fist Fight smbluebullet“I Blame Carole King:  The Evil Influences of my Mother’s Music”
smbluebulletBirthday Belt Spankings smbluebullet“Pitching Quoits and Raising Teenagers”
smbluebulletBirthday Boy Spankings Pictures smbluebullet“Pitching Quoits and Raising Teenagers”
smbluebulletSpankings by Mom smbluebullet“Pitching Quoits and Raising Teenagers”
smbluebulletOuch Spankings smbluebullet“Pitching Quoits and Raising Teenagers”
smbluebulletSpankings Hurt smbluebullet“Pitching Quoits and Raising Teenagers”
smbluebulletTango Underwear smbluebullet“Buffalo Before Breakfast, Twizzlers Before Lunch”
smbluebulletPatricia Whack smbluebullet“With a Knick Knack Paddy Whack”
smbluebulletWhoopie Cushions smbluebullet“Caught by Surprise”
smbluebulletBiggest Thighs smbluebullet“Old Photos”
smbluebulletYellow Submarine Captain smbluebullet“Snowbound in a Yellow Submarine”
smbluebulletTalking Backwards While Sleeping smbluebullet“A Mother’s Day Letter”
smbluebulletThree Sheets to the Wind smbluebullet“The Battle of Snydersburg”
smbluebulletWhere to Find Pilgrim Girls Clothes smbluebullet“Buffalo Before Breakfast, Twizzlers Before Lunch”
smbluebulletHow Did Gene Simmons Get

Such a Long Tongue?

 smbluebullet“When We Were Rock Stars”
smbluebulletAstronauts Who Traveled to Space smbluebullet“Of Astronauts and Mountain Climbers”

Posted at 2:20 PM (EST)

An Irish Thing

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Going to see THIS band tonight! Yeah, it’s an Irish thing. You know, we Irish were the ones who invented rock-n-roll. Yup! What do you think the Blarney Stone is all about? Yeah, it’s a rock-n-roll thing!

In other news…

I’ve been down with a nasty, snotty cold for about 10 days now. Nothing but hacking and gagging and sputtering. (Sorry, no picture available.)

Also…

New Jersey has turned into a big snowy, rainy, unfriendly kind of place for the last few weeks. So I haven’t gotten any bike riding in lately. Hey, did you hear about my big bike accident? Too bad we don’t have video footage of this one! Classic! I so gracefully launched myself right over the ol’ handle bars. No, that’s not an Irish thing! This comes from the minority of Polish genes that run in the family. I think they’ve leached upon my nervous system and sucked the coordination right out of me. But here’s the good thing. I was going uphill when I fell. (Only Polacks fall uphill!) There is an advantage to falling uphill. The road meets you half way! That’s a good thing once you are over 25 like me. **cough** I won’t tell you exactly what caused the crash. Let me just say… Don’t take your shirt off and tie it to your handle bars. Trust me. Just don’t do it.

Okay. That’s it for now. Blog ya later.

Posted at 4:00 PM (EST)