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(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

I have begun a massive project of typing my hand-written private journals. Currently, there are 19 volumes!

Seeing as my handwriting is so poor, I thought it might be best to take on this project. I always tell my children that one day they will be allowed to read these journals. The poor things! They won’t be able to decipher most of what is written! It’s awful! I had to laugh yesterday when my son, Tim, was writing something on the back of a business card while we were in the car. He looked at me apologetically and said, “It’s a little messy because the car is bumpy.” I said, “Dude! THAT looks a hundred times better than the way I normally write when I’m sitting still at a desk!”

So far, I have typed 17 pages in Word. That covers 38 hand-written pages in this old composition book with pages falling out that I call “Volume 1”. That’s not quite one-fifth of the notebook. I expect the Word files for each volume to average close to 100 pages. So, for the next several years, I will be sequestered away like a medieval monk transcribing Latin with quill and ink. Only Latin is probably easier to understand than my handwriting!

My writing experience sort of “morphed” into personal journal keeping by chance. At the start, volume 1 was a collection of devotional thoughts that I, as a Christian, wrote down as I contemplated various portions of the Bible. (Yes, I am the same guy that wrote all the raunchy swear words in the last entry on this website. Yes, that may be an indication of how my heart has declined since 1985. Actually, it peaked and then declined.) After several pages of these devotional writings, volume 1 suddenly becomes a personal journal. My writing style changed due to a book that I read called “Sandy, A Heart for God” by Leighton Ford. Leighton’s son, Sandy, was a Christian who kept a diary. He died at the age of 21 while undergoing surgery for a rare heart condition. I began my journal at age 21. After reading about Sandy, I decided to use my journal to capture my thoughts, emotions, experiences, etc.

As I’ve been working my way through Volume 1 over the last two days, I am confronted by differing emotions. At some points I am embarrassed by what I wrote. Some of it seems immature, presumptuous, self-inflated, 21-ish”. Some of the memories of that period in my life that have come back to me are good. I think of how Joel was only 9 months old, not even walking yet. I remember some of the friends from that period and smile. Some other memories, especially of my first marriage, make me happy that I am now 21 years removed from that time. Some of these memories are tainted due to circumstances that have transpired between then and now.

There is one person mentioned near the start of the journal of whom I had to make a note. His name was Joe. We worked together on the road department in Washington, NJ. His father was the head supervisor of the department. Back in those days, Joe was a rowdy pot-smoking guy. I was a Christian. While I often talked about Bible related topics with some of the guys on the crew, usually because they brought the subject up, Joe was a constant source of temptation and instigation. I distinctly remember one time, at the town dump where we disposed of residents’ lawn clippings and leaves, Joe decided to light up a big ol’ joint and get high. I said nothing and intended to say nothing. I minded my own business. One of the other guys said, “Hey Joe, what if Preacher Boy (me) tells your dad?” Joe didn’t know that I could hear his response when he said, “If he does, I’ll hit him in the head with a shovel!”

Joe didn’t stay on the job very long. Then I didn’t see him for several years. By the time I did see him again, I had three kids, was divorced, and about to be married again. I was surprised to see Joe under the circumstances. We were at a multiple church baptismal service along the Delaware River in Pennsylvania. Suddenly, in the midst of that crowd, before the service started, I bumped into Joe! I was so surprised that I blurted out, “Joe! What are YOU doing HERE????” Joe smiled and said, “Brother, I’m getting baptized today. My life is completely different.” Wow!

I saw Joe a few years ago in a local mall. He was married and had a child. By then, my spiritual situation had declined. I was a rebel. I had been through too much heartache. The amazing new Joe said, “Brother, Jesus still loves you and you can give me a call anytime.”

Funny how life goes. So much history has happened between Volume 1 and Volume 19! Reading Volume 1 now, I find myself thinking that it couldn’t have been me who wrote some of the entries. Did I really think in those ways? Did I really let such seemingly petty events upset me so? Where did many of those inward struggles go? Did I win them? Did I give up the struggles? Did I merely grow out of them?

How will Volume 19 look to me 21 years from now when I’m on Volume 38? Stick around. When we get that far, I’ll write about it on the website.

THE LADYBUG, THE DADDY, AND URANUS

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

My 10 and 12-year-old daughters are visiting for the week. They are on spring break. Boy, those schools in Georgia! Spring barely starts and “WHAM!” they are on spring break! It’s not like New Jersey. Time drags on and on when you are in school here. Then, when Easter break finally arrives, they tell you the break is shortened because you have to make up for using a snow day or two. Well, that’s the way it used to be. With global warming and all, we are beginning to forget what snow is in New Jersey. I mean, we were on the beach, where children walked on the jetties in bare feet, on January 30, for crying out loud! Pretty soon we’ll have to close our schools to take a break in the beginning of April because it’s going to be as hot as August!

As I was saying, my girls are here. In the car, after leaving the airport, after a three hour flight delay, one of the girls had the idea of starting a story in which the four of us in the car contributed by adding a word in turn. The story got weird and crude. Yes, the childhood amusement that comes from bodily functions!

Alright… so it still amuses me too! Here is our weird little story. I’m sure I will be inundated with emails from publishers eager to print this in hardbound!

THE LADYBUG, THE DADDY, AND URANUS

Once upon a time, a ladybug crawled and peed yellow pee. So, as we wiped his urine, Daddy laughed, and cried, and pooped. Uranus was shining overhead. BM slipped, smelled, plopped, and squished on Daddy’s toes. The ladybug flew into Daddy’s body because his butt was very exposed.

Uranus visited the Earth.

THE END

I know, it’s weird. It’s gross. I’m sure someone will send me an email telling me what a bad Daddy I am, how I need to grow up and teach my kids some manners. Well… you send ’em. I’ll print ’em. And we’ll all wipe with ’em!

Nite Owl

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

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Don’t you dare arrive one minute sooner! We will charge you full day time price if you do!

What? You think $3.30 was a random number? No, owls are smart. And we had algebra in high school. You figure the 6% New Jersey sales tax and you’re gonna see it comes out to an even $3.50, man!

(Okay, Mr. Wise Owl, it comes to $3.498! If you got 8/10 of a penny, we’ll take it! If not, SHUT UP AND GIVE US $3.50!)

Now, go on and get out of here! It’s almost 8:30! At 8:31 our NITE VAMPIRE rates start. Then we really suck it out of you!

And by the way… NO WIPING! None of any sort! We are not going to wipe you! You are not going to wipe us! You are not even going to wipe yourself!

Owl’s don’t wipe, do they?

THIS ARTICLE IS VULGAR AND NASTY

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

There is a critical mass building inside me. It’s dark and depressing and angry. I fear the explosion will be devastating. I just don’t have the patience for all the shit in life anymore. I seem to be handling it less and less well. I get annoyed and sigh and mumble about nearly everything these days. The multitude of small things that piss me off is growing. I’m telling you, you do not want to be nearby when the bomb goes off.

Today was a typical day with a fair amount of bullshit. For instance, I had to have a damn root canal this morning. Why? Because I broke my damn tooth on a piece of Valentines candy last month! Sweet, right? When I got to the dentist’s office, the receptionist told me that the insurance company rejected my son’s bills because he is over nineteen and has been dropped from my policy. And that is all because the company I work for switched dental insurers and the previous dumb ass insurance company didn’t inform the new dumb ass insurance company that my son is disabled and needs to be on my insurance policy. Now I have to make dumb ass calls to this company and try to straighten out their dumb asses. This is the very kind of thing that drives me nuts! Dealing with insurance companies, or utility companies, or the motor vehicle agency is an energy sapping ordeal. I hate it. And this is only part of what turned out to be a disappointing portion of my earthly existence. I can’t even write about the most upsetting part of the day because I’m still pretty goddamn upset. Plus, all the teeth on the upper right side of my mouth hurt like hell tonight. They’re all sympathetic for the one that had its guts yanked out, I guess.

Anymore, it feels like every day is like this. There just seems to be so much horseshit every day. And a lot of things that didn’t used to be considered horseshit are looking more and more like horseshit in my opinion. It’s stacking up in piles. A large portion of the horseshit pile is the way people can be so inconsiderate when it comes to some very basic aspects of life. For instance, on Saturday morning, I took a walk over to the Dunkin Donuts. It was a beautiful morning. I decided to walk a little extra and just enjoy the fresh air. Do you know what happened? Some big-assed bastard in a big-assed SUV nearly ran my ass over while I was crossing a street! Those signs that say “Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk” mean NOTHING to those who drive SUVs around here and feel that they can plow their way through everything. I waited for the damn white “WALK” sign to light up before starting to cross the street. I was in the middle of the damn lane when the SUV prick decided to make a quick left hand turn and cut in front of me. He was so close that I could have reach through the passenger window and popped that fucker in the mouth. Lucky for him it wasn’t down. At least he got the middle finger waved and a “fucking asshole” shouted at him. He probably didn’t even see it with all that ozone-depleting, lung-destroying exhaust pouring out of that big vehicle. That’s the problem with SUV owners. They just don’t give a damn whether they kill one guy crossing a street while in a hurry or if they kill all of us in the long run.

And what about the people that walk right the fuck into you while in the mall and don’t even say “Excuse me” or even acknowledge that they just bumped into another legitimate human being? That happened to me on Sunday. This stupid blabber mouth girl ran right into me while yakking away to her boyfriend. I had to stop and move out of her way before I could catch up to the person that I was walking with. That fat mouth didn’t even look at me and I was close enough to ram something up her ass good and hard. Maybe I need to start doing that so people will at least know that I exist. I mean, I’m just talking about basic courtesy here. Everyone needs to stop being so goddamn stupid and self-important. There are other people around you who don’t want you blubbering up against them.

There is so much more to complain about. Rising prices of shit is a good one. Yesterday, I had a lunch meeting with some people from work. We went to a restaurant near the office. I ended up paying $5 for a glass of iced tea! Beware of carelessly ordering an iced tea thinking it’s one of the least expensive drinks in the house. It never occurred to me to check the price on the menu before ordering a simple thing like iced tea. I shouldn’t have to check the damn price. One glass of tea should not cost almost as much as a whole meal at McDonalds! Luckily, I had eaten at the office previous to this meeting and didn’t order a meal. Those who did paid $17 each! The price of gas is another cause for complaint. Right after Hurricane Katrina the gas prices in the US shot through the roof. The head dicks (dick heads?) of the oil companies told us all that it was because so much damage was done to refineries and oil rigs in the Gulf region. A few months later, those head dicks announced to the world that their companies had made billions in profits that quarter. No???? Really???? So now, why is the price of gas still sky high???? We need to change this country’s motto from “One Nation Under God” to “One Nation Under Gold”. The greed for it is the controlling factor in nearly all that goes on in this country. And while the corporations amass their gold, the nation is buried under the debt of gold. The national debt in this country is now over 8 TRILLION DOLLARS. According to one article I read, “If you spent a million dollars a day for a million days (2,739 years), you’d hit $1 trillion.” Or… “To spend $1 trillion in the average American life span of 77 years, you’d have to be on a lifetime spending spree of about $35,580,857 EVERY DAY FROM BIRTH.” But the current executive administration of this country continues to give tax breaks to the extremely rich while taking away aid to the very needy. Where the fuck is fucking Robin Hood when we need him? Somebody needs to save us for the certain doom that awaits.

But who am I to talk about such things? I’m just a ticking bomb with bad teeth and a website right now. These words won’t change one fucking thing about any of the shit I just complained about. It’s not like I can go to Washington, D.C. and reason with Congress with any success, or shake the living shit out of President Bush. Nope. So, I’ll be shutting up now. I just hope I’m in a fairly solitary place when my meltdown begins. Pray that it doesn’t happen in the mall.