MEMORY MOTEL

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(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

THERE’S NOTHING like getting an album that you used to listen to when you were a kid and haven’t heard in years. Of course, most kids don’t refer to them as “albums” these days. They are just “CDs.” It’s a rediscovery of sorts when in 2004 you buy an album that was originally released in 1976. Unless, you weren’t even born yet in 1976 or were still a snotty-faced four-year-old who didn’t care about music yet.

The album of my most recent rediscovery is “Black and Blue” by the Rolling Stones, which is playing right now. It may not be one of their most popular albums. It does have the song “Fool to Cry” on it, which was a big hit at the time.

So much music defines different time periods of my life. I was 13 when I first got this Stones album. When I think back, there are several other albums that I remember listening to a lot around that time: “2112” by Rush, “Changes One” by David Bowie, “Rock and Roll Over” by Kiss, “Alice Cooper Goes to Hell” by Alice Cooper (obviously). I would often sit in my bedroom with a black light on and listen to these albums. I had a red, white and blue bedspread. I can still picture the glow of the white sections of the bedspread as “Hey Negrita” plays now in 2004, transporting me back.

I was in eighth grade then, with my Speed Racer looking glasses, double knit pants, and slightly visible peach fuzz moustache. It wasn’t until the next school year that I began wearing jeans and the ever-cool silk shirts and growing my hair long. Thirteen was the last year of “cute,” soon to be followed by the arrival of “cool.” It was an awkward time in which impressing the girls was of growing importance. Yet, riding my pull start Kawasaki mini bike for hours after school was still more fun, and safer than girls turned out to be, I might add!

Ahhh! Right now the Stones are taking me back to an old house along the Muskonetcong River. It was so old that you could look between the floor boards upstairs and see down to the first floor. The basement had a dirt floor… and rats. We didn’t go down there! There was a winding staircase from the kitchen to a small room upstairs.

There was plenty of land along with this house. The property we rented ran along the river for a good stretch. There were fields to ride mini bikes, pick wild raspberries, play frisbee, and run naked if you really wanted (not that I would know anything about THAT!). There was a great hill for sleigh riding in the winter. There was an old mysterious barn. There was a spring house close to the river in which I sometimes put trout that I caught out of the river. Then I could fish in the spring house and catch them over and over.

I remember doing a few mischievous things at that age. Stupid things really. I cut the inner pages out of a book in order to hide packs of bubble gum so my mom wouldn’t know I had them. I was a big candy freak as a kid. The only problem with hiding them in a book was that I used a book that once belonged to my mom as a kid. She discovered the cut out pages in the garbage can. Ooops. I also flushed a banana peel down the toilet because I was too lazy to take it downstairs to throw it away. The only problem was the toilet clogged a while later and my stepfather discovered the banana peel when he was plunging it. Ooops again. I also remember how my sister wiped out on my mini bike in the gravel on the driveway. Ooops. And ouch. But I was more concerned with the possibility that my mini bike got all scratched up than I was with the probability that half of the stones on the driveway got jammed under my sister’s left knee cap. What can I say? I’m a brother.

Speaking of my stepfather, there were a few funny incidents in which he was involved back then. Once, in the middle of the night, some guy was pounding on our door. Then he backed into my stepfather’s truck with his car and took off. So, my stepfather chased him. Later, at the police station, a cop came in and read him his rights. When he asked what was going on, the cop said they had found marijuana growing on our property. Ooops! It turned out that the caretaker of a neighbor’s property was the one who had planted it on our land. In another incident, we all got in the car and drove up the road to the Dairy Queen for ice cream one evening. While there, somebody backed into our car in the parking lot. My stepfather had to get out of the car. And the poor guy was wearing my mom’s fuzzy pink slippers! Oooooops! Okay. He wasn’t in the habit of wearing her clothes. He wasn’t a cross dresser or anything. He only had to drive a few miles up the road to the Dairy Queen. What were the chances that he would have had to get out of the car in front of a parking lot full of people? All those staring people! Work boots! Never leave home without ’em!

As I end this brief article, the Stones are singing “Memory Motel.” How appropriate. A good note to end on, while just giving you a glimpse of that particular time of my life.

DR. IAN NUTCAKES ON THE PSYCHIATRY OF TIES, CUBICLES AND OTHER ARTISTIC REPRESSIONS

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(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

MY LOYAL READERS…

It is my privilege to introduce to you my long time friend, associate and accomplice, Dr. Ian Nutcakes.

Dr. Nutcakes is a distinguised member of the American Psychiatric Society and a high level staff member of the Neggooozian Institute for Mental Research. In addition, Dr. Ian is founder of Concerned Physicians For Censored, Repressed And Otherwise Frustrated Artists, commonly known as CPFCRAOFA, an acronym which no one can pronounce but looks serious. The notorious doctor’s personal interests include bungee jumping, darts, cow tipping and music. Among his musical favorites are Anne Murray, The Bay City Rollers, Yanni, and of course, Frank Zappa.

So…

My friend, Dr. Nutcakes, has allowed me to publish a few short video snippets of recent scientific observations which he has conducted. Since his study is not yet completed and his treatise on the subject has not yet been published (look for it in the July issue of Popular Psychiatrics), what I am able to present to you is a brief introduction by Dr. Nutcakes regarding the premise of his recent experiement. There are three clips of video observation of the main participant in the study (Certain deficiencies in key psychiatric areas were required in order for participants to qualify for this study. The man you will see in the videos is the only one out of 3.7 million who responded to Dr. Nutcakes’ introductory survey who qualified.). The scientific videos are followed by a few concluding remarks by the imminent doctor.

To view the videos, click on the links below in the order they are presented. (PLEASE follow the doctor’s order so as not to confuse yourself. YOU are not a doctor!) (3/26/15 – These instructions don’t really apply in this age of the new and improved internet where we have Youtube and Facebook and other brain-dissolving contraptions of which Dr. Ian disapproves but in which he heartily indulges. But read this paragraph for old time’s sake… and because there’s a little chuckle at the end. Then just click the videos. You know how to do it, you Youtubefiend, you.) You can either open the video files or save them to your computer and then open them. I have found some problems with Winamp, but the Windows Media Player seems to play the videos very well. You can also right click on the links and choose “Save Target As” to save the videos to your computer. MAKE SURE YOUR VOLUME IS ON! These videos have sound! (Nothing but top of the line technology here!) If you cannot figure out how to play the movies, you may use my contact page to ask for help. Just make sure you fill in the “Contact Name” field with “Dummy” or “Moron” so that I know it’s either you or your brother.

Disclaimer: These videos are rated PG-13 due to cursing, cranial nudity (aka – BALDNESS) and acute insanity. Neither Dr. Nutcakes nor I are to blame.

Disclaimer 2: A few of these videos are a little dark. Again, neither the doctor nor I had anything to do with it. It is the fault of the amateur filmographer we hired due to budget constraints.

Disclaimer 3: Some people have had problems viewing these. Other people could see them just fine. Neither the doctor nor I have the technological savvy to understand why.

THE VIDEOS:

Doctor Ian’s Introduction:

Subject Observation #1:

Subject Observation #2:

Subject Observation #3:

Dr. Ian’s Concluding Remarks:

Now to wrap things up and to send you away laughing… Here are BLOOPER VIDEOS! Yes, even distinguished doctors sometimes make mistakes. You’re on the set and behind the scenes with Dr. Nutcakes.

Blooper #1:

Blooper #2:

Blooper #3:

On behalf of Dr. Ian Nutcakes, I thank you for enduring the show. Good night.

Timmy Still Plays With Blocks – May 8, 2004 (Photos)

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

The only difference between a man and a boy is the size of his toys. Isn’t that how the saying goes?

We found these in the parking lot of an unused shopping mall near our home. We don’t know what their intended purpose is. They sure made interesting photo props.

How Can I Go Wrong?

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Here is the last photo that I will ever take…

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… with this camera, my old Sony Mavica FD-73.

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My friend, Suzy, called me yesterday afternoon and said, “Hey, I found a Sony Mavica for $50.”

I said, “What??? I paid $500 for mine four years ago! Please buy that camera for me!”

The place had just closed. But Suzy saw a friend of hers who worked there as they were leaving. She was able to get back in and snag the camera for me!

The new camera is a Sony Mavica FD-88. It has better pixelization, a better zoom lense, more photo options, and it takes 5 to 15 second movies. Oh man! I can have some good fun with that! The camera was only $50 and doesn’t even have a scratch on it. What a great find! While the digital camera that I’d like to have is currently around $1,000 and can take incredible photos, this FD-88 is a decent improvement in the meantime until I have the funds for the more expensive one. And for only 50 bucks, how can I go wrong?

(Don’t answer that. I know how I can “go wrong.” I’ve certainly done it enough.)