Bestiality Blues

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

20031215snowmen

I was going to write a journal entry about how I’m feeling about the holidays this year. But I just don’t have the heart to do it. To tell the truth, I got the holiday blues. (If you read some of the entries below you may have picked up on that already.)

Speaking of the blues… I’m listening to one of the blues CDs that I got on Saturday while I’m writing this. I just heard the following lines in a song called “I’m a Woman” by Koko Taylor:

I’m a woman
I can make love to a crocodile
I’m a woman
I can sing the blues.

Uh… What?

Is that some kind of hardcore blues? Punk blues? Feminism blues? Bestiality blues?

Is that why women don’t notice me? I’m not “scaley” enough? Are all the good women taken and the rest out shagging crocs? No wonder I have the blues.

Well, rather than spreading those blues to all of you, I’m going to give you this photo of these snow men. They look happy. Don’t they? Who are they? Dr. Evil and Mini Me? Kid Rock and J. C.? Or maybe this is the North Pole episode of “Fantasy Island.” “Boss! De sleigh! De sleigh!”

That’s enough from me tonight. I need some sleep. I hope I don’t have bad dreams. Those Koko Taylor lyrics put a really nasty image in my mind.

Posted at 11:50 PM (EST)

Spell “Marlana” Backwards

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

20031214ice

Ice, ice, baby…

More snow here in New Jersey today. This evening it changed to rain and froze on everything. Some of the schools have already announced that they will be closed, others that they will have delayed openings.

It was a good day to do nothing again. So here’s the nothing I did…

A friend and I walked to the diner with my kids. We had a feast. Buffalo wings, mozzarella sticks, steack sandwiches, fried shrimp, burgers, cheesecake, coffee, Pepsi. And of course, we harrassed the waitresses with our usual Snyder humor and antics. “Marlana? Her name is Marlana? Spell Marlana backwards. A-N-A-L-R-A-M. Anal ram. Hee hee hee.”

The afternoon was spent watching “I Love the 80s” on VH1. Funny! Snausages. Chicken McNuggets. Billy Idol. Gremlins. You get the idea.

This was followed by the second Charlie’s Angels movie. Dang! I’d let anyone of those girls beat me up like they did to plenty of guys in that movie! I’ll give you one try to guess which one of the three Angels I like the most.

Despite the ice, we ordered pizza for dinner. There is a place in our town that makes the best pizza in the world! It’s worth risking your life to drive to pick it up.

So that’s it. More nothing.

Posted at (EST)

Nothing

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Did you ever have one of those days that feel like nothing? There is nothing very significant that happens. There is nothing very important to take care of. Nothing. That’s how my day was today.

But you know that you don’t actually do NOTHING on days like this. Unless you are in a coma or something. You have to do SOMETHING.

So let me think about this. What did I actually do today?

First, I took my daughter to see the doctor. No big deal. But it gave me an opportunity to read.

So, I read numerous pages in “Hammer of the Gods.” It is interesting to see how American blues in the 1960s influenced many British rock artists. It is also interesting to see how many well known rock artists knew each other when they were young and starting out in various bands, sometimes playing together in the same bands, sometimes playing as session musicians on other groups’ recordings.

Next, my daughter and I went to the Spinning Wheel diner, had awesome sausage/potato/onion omelettes. Of course, we find plenty to laugh about when we are out like that. And they really should not seat us next to mirrors. We got a few looks from the “patrons” for being a little silly. Patrons. Bah.

Okay. Then I drove her to work. That’s it. Nothing funny or anything about that.

On my way back to the house, a friend of mine called and said she was nearby. So I went to meet her.

Since there are no Shop Rite stores where she lives, and she is addicted to diet Shop Rite cream soda (???), we went to Shop Rite. The place was packed. When did all of these stupid people move into my area? I mean heck! And people, let me just say, when you are making your way through a crowded aisle with only a small clear path to manuever through, DO NOT stop dead in your tracks to search through your purse for your coupons! I swear, the next time someone does that in front of me, I am dropping my cart into gear and running them right the heck over. Stupid people.

After the Shop Rite torture, we went to Circuit City for CDs and more torture. I picked up two blues CDs with various artists on them for less than $10. Deal! I saw a few artists on there that were mentioned in the book I’m reading. So I thought I would check them out. Little did I know that it would take forever and then some to check out at the cash register. My friend jumped into a different line. We each had about 4 people or so in front of us. She was all the way through with her things paid for and I was still standing in the same exact spot. They opened two other registers. So I jumped into one of them behind someone else. I had no idea that cashier was going to suddenly turn into Mr. I-Am-The-Slowest-Being-On-The-Planet! I saw that the other newly opened register had a clear line again. But when I started walking over, the girl there said, “Sorry. I’m closed again. They need me to help in the back.” I gave her that look that said, “If there were not quite so many witnesses here, you know I would rip your friggin voice box right out of your useless throat!” Since my day was nothing anyway, I just went back to where I started and waited.

Well, then I went home. I played my drums for a while. Ate a bagel. Ate a piece of peach pie. Read some more. Just nothing. Then I fell asleep for about three hours and woke up just in time to write about nothing and post it on the website before the end of the day so that I feel like I did SOMETHING.

Posted at 11:40 PM (EST)

Cynic or Realist?

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

1 son plus 4 impacted wisdom teeth multiplied by insurance carrier hassles squared = $400 out of my pocket up front.

Dang! That’s the deal. My son needs his wisdom teeth removed. He has some pain in his lower jaw. The oral surgeon has had problems dealing with my insurance carrier in the past. So, he wants 20% of the fee paid before he will operate. That is the amount I will probably be obligated to pay anyway. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to pay it all at once.

I was going to rag about my financial annoyances at this point. But I will spare you. We all have them. Don’t we?

* * * * *
Hey! Speaking of financial annoyances… Look who’s coming to town soon! Santa Spud!

20031212santaspud

I don’t know… I’m a little suspicious that the beard isn’t real.

Doesn’t he look like he’s being robbed?

“No! Please! Don’t shoot! Take the bag of gifts! Take the reindeer!”

* * * * *
I think Christmas should be a totally spontaneous thing. When I feel like doing and when I have the money, then it will be Christmas. It may happen in December. It may happen in April or August. When I’m in the mood to be generous and festive, we will have Christmas.

It’s not that I’m a humbug either. I like to be generous. I like to give gifts to people and make them happy. I just can’t stand the commercialism and hype at this time of the year. “The Holiday Season.” No. It’s a corporate greed driven stressful time of the year. It’s shitty. And I wish that there would be a law to take away any mention of Jesus at this time of the year because this is not the type of social environment that He would promote. Let it all be about Santa and elves and toys and trees and lights and all the rest. Let it all be as thin and worthless as tinsel. We already know it is.

Am I being a cynic or a realist? Is there a difference all the time?

Posted at 9:30 PM (EST)