(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

I have a terrible habit of NOT cleaning out my email inbox too often. This applies to my personal inbox and my work inbox. My personal inbox has 1,079 emails right now! 262 of them are not even opened! Since, Yahoo started giving a gig of space for free, I stopped cleaning anything out. It’s too much of an effort to slide my mouse over and click that DELETE button.

Before cleaning some of these out, I thought I’d go through and copy out all the first sentences of these emails and string them all together. Here is the result. It’s a bit comical in places. A few of you might recognize sentences as your own in emails to me. I tried to leave out anything that might reveal your dirty little asses. Which reminds me, there are a few naughty words in here. Be careful. Remember, these are things people have written to me. I would never use such language!

Here we go… the first sentences of some 250 or so emails…

A quick reminder… This email confirms that you have received a payment of $10.00 USD. I was just cleanin out my closets today and I saw a Collective Soul CD. Good Rehearsal last night. YOU FUCKER’S READY TO ROCK AND ROLL TONIGHT!!!! i’ve been good. Yeah, we can discuss with her I guess. Visit http://www.travelzoo.com/top20 for a free subscription. what is this site? DAMMIT, so many names so little time! So I entered us in this Battle of the Bands thing at the Conduit in Trenton – why the hell not, right? This email refers to the following confirmation number(s): I45-15CFC2A-750G3C. Your request to withdraw funds via electronic funds transfer from your account to your bank account, has been received and is in process. This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $14.29 USD. Our celebration sale for our 100th new Boeing plane continues with sale fares to all our destinations. How about “Big Chove”? Fuckin A! Allright, the 7pm slide show seating is almost gone, but not quite yet. Thank you for choosing IBOCS – the next generation of communications technology. We got together on Fri night and we’re workin on some shizzle. I don’t know BUT I’ll look at my LP’s and see if it’s there. Are you familiar with a Santana tune called “Song of the Wind”? A quick reminder… The next theme will be SMALL. Somehow a lot of our last newsletter never arrived at their email addresses. This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $5.49 USD. Oh demon alcohol, Sad memories I cannot recall. Welcome to The iTunes Music Store, the best place to preview, buy, and download music, ever. check this out. Trouble viewing this email? Just a quick automated reminder that Lehigh Valley Writers Symposium has an event tomorrow. Your request to withdraw funds via electronic funds transfer from your account to your bank account, has been received and is in process. Greetings from Geocaching.com. This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $14.38 USD. Cool. . . . ok, its done. Registration for your new Domain Name has been received and submitted to the Global Registry.

[OK. Take a breath before reading more.]

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump… Note: forwarded message attached. First, you need to define your target client. Later this week, at sunset, you can step outside and witness a display of light and shadow on the Moon that puzzled sky watchers for thousands of years–until Leonardo Da Vinci figured it out. Hey everybody! hope u r ok. This email is being sent to you from sam snyder. Nice, what’s the web address? Def Good Time last night. Your best bet is to get an Pennsylvania Appalachian Trail guide and map. haha. Yeah man, we’re good to go if you are. Would like to let you know about a couple of shows I have coming up, at a couple of very beautiful venues in Seattle and Tacoma. My Celly just crapped out on me. Me, my scarf, and I. This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $9.30 USD. In order to serve you better, we are in the process of a system upgrade that will bring you enhanced functionality and flexibility. Just be careful not to stand up too quick. I guess if I don’t hear from Earthquake Studios by 4 or 5. . .I’ll call Mike at MF Studios in New Brunsford. hahaha, mexicans and reefer. So I got a message from the rehearsal space in Union (that I hitherto had called) last night. The set list looks good. This is a money angel. Why Wait? I left a message today for the guys at Stage Left in Union. Recently I wrote an entry and got a comment (via e-mail) that made me think: wow, they just don’t get it. What the dilly for Thursday?? sounds good to me!! What d’ya think?!? It’s John and Peter’s. Your latest bill is now ready for your review. I was JUST thinking that… I’m not even kidding!! hey man, give me a call when you get a chance. It went really well. I interrupted the normal course of my social life to play in another world for a few hours. A quick reminder… The next theme will be BEAUTIFUL. what time do you think you can come rescue me? wow… he is really close… did you see the Mt. Washington Auto Road? wooohooo!! or a snow slide without the snow… you know that brochure that looks like a book? A new expedition dispatch from Virgin North Atlantic Row has been posted.

[Better take a break for the sake of your eyes.]

I also want to clean up the car a little bit. great. A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem.” No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats. yes, she is there today until 5pm, so i can call her when you pick me up. i brought a little bit of the potato salad. actually i like to be funny and wish i was funny all the time! i’m funny sometimes, ain’t i? oh boy… you are making money off these rubber chickens! Cool! I’ll let Kate know. Thank you for using Armenian National Committee of America Mail System. I want to thank you for urging the Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, to hold a vote on legislation recognizing the Armenian Genocide. We are scheduled to play Nov. 5th at Bar A in Belmar from 5-7pm. yo bro jo holmes. oh… so i think it is sealed. i called that april lady. I don’t do much pre-writing, but I do a lot of pre-thinking. All dates, acts and ticket prices are subject to change without notice. is there any left? any request? the jewelry is like “tupperware” type. i talked to him. …and the guy i have to talk to is still in a very bad mood. Yeah, I don’t know the deal with Hillsborough. who are the target? share your strategies of finding customers. cool… can i help you in any way?? i guess i can leave at 4:15 today. documentary on nyc may be good. 400 degree. i know you are in a meeting. Sale fares from $34 one-way for travel through February 1, 2006. Sorry I didn’t get back to you last night. gee… Thank you for contacting PayPal. PayPal is constantly working to ensure security by regularly screening the accounts in our system. A quick reminder… The next theme will be FURNITURE. Fuckin-A RIGHT!!!! This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $8.29 USD. you kidding me?? hey… Tickets go on sale Friday. hehehe… do we have any left? This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $8.29 USD. hey this is right close to home! I revised that list. sandwich is good, i guess. I got an email address at work! I wanted to share some announcements about what Salem has been doing over the summer and our upcoming fall plans. I had a lot of fun jamming/playing songs. I agree. how do you know? hmmm… are you still working? if you don’t want to spend the money to buy lunch, there is still that bulgur salad. are you going to have dinner before going? i don’t understand. is it from home? yep, we should also go thru the basement. nice… ok, thanks. ok. since you are bored, do you want to check this? with dog.

[This is WAY too long. Better take a coffee break before continuing.]

did you find my surprise? yeah… so, would you rather do on the last weekend of september? how about the first weekend of october? Basement beginnings. i don’t get it. I am doing some research. heh… is it better than apple juice? The band was going full steam until Sam had his infamous ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at that young girl’s sweet 16 party. As long as you can flash me your TIT. Def, The more the merrier!!!!! that is so wrong…. but so funny! cool… that’s hilarius! gee… that’s really bad… that’s a great idea! you back? Yeah, I don’t know if I told you this… it’s a shame… I’ve been thinking about it too. you should start saving for the book. That was GREAT!! WE WANT MORE! WE WANT MORE!!! Glad to hear that you are ok despite the traffic incident on your way to Georgia. For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on Nutrition and Health. Despite my lack of anything profound to say, I couldn’t let the day pass without saying something. Exactly! Just say NO! i think joel just tried to call the cell. and i hope you won’t have migraines anymore. you should definetly do the allergy test. did you let them know that you were coming in late today? so, does that make me my own groupie? Here are some quick and dirty directions. thanks for getting back to me. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. what time are you leaving today? Astronauts on the Moon will be exposed to cosmic rays and solar flares–and that’s not all. that would be the biggest damage! i thought it was until 11. i know you always crave for mashed potatoes after the migraine. yeah.. a tiny bit… yeah… Good, I’m glad you’re feeling good! hey, thanks! damn boy. don’t worry about laundry. Please pass it on. First song: “It Wasn’t the Sun That Got Into Her Eyes”. Crue!!!!

[Almost done…]

heh heh.. ..Yeah, JAck Dempseys are also a type of Cichlid fish. Sam, you got my head spinnin on that last one. sounds right. why not… gas $162.20. I am in for Tuesday for the discussed time. nice. i don’t know about the big chicken. Yah Sweet. Lets do it! Alternating is good. I’ve got some tunes I could do sax on. No bears, but that would have been pretty exciting. Banging chicks good. just a little late, but no aditional scratches. Ditto that Sammy! Oops, I meant Bruce Springsteen. This email confirms that you have received an eBay Instant Payment of $8.50 USD. ok… i’ll be ready. heh heh! Hope everyone had a good Labor Day weekend. um…. ow. you’re not a pain in the ass. looks like we’re all set for rehearsal tonight at 7pm. We’re mentioned in this article. are you sure you didn’t break your ribs? tonight still works for me. so what? no kidding! i entered mine. Tickets for one of your favorite performers are going on sale! I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have! Hey, are you going to see Bruce Springteen for me? The pending refund from your bank account of $0.21 USD has been completed. Just a quick note to say hello and to make sure that all is well with you. You are most welcome. As so many have asked for it, Gaelic Storm is finally going to tape a live DVD on Sept. 14th at the House of Blues in Chicago! are you coming at 4:30? you can come at 4:30. and the ikea stuff.