Browse Category: My Favorites

THESE WINDING ROADS

Originally posted on the website:
ctmonkeybanner

“Daddy, I hope that none of our friends come to our new house to visit at night and have an accident on these winding roads.”

“Yes, there have been many accidents on these roads and people have been killed. I myself had two accidents on this particular road when I was in high school.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, the first was in Pop’s car, an old 1967 Volkswagen. I was driving too fast in the rain and tried to go around that curve by the farm at 70 mph.”

“Wow! That’s crazy!”

“Yeah. I spun out and ended up off the road. Luckily, the car wasn’t damaged and I wasn’t hurt. I never told Pop about it until years later!”

“What was the other accident?”

“I was driving my own car. It snowed the night before, just a little. I went around that other bad curve there. I hit some snow on the side of the road and started to slide. Your aunt was with me. I said, ‘Hold on!’ We slid off the road and into the ditch. The force of it made me slide clear across the seat up against your aunt. I calmly said, ‘Hi. How ya doin’?’ She started to cry.”

“Wow. You’re lucky nothing serious happened in those accidents.

Such was our conversation on our way to the new house that my kids and I are moving into. It’s in the “country” near where I grew up. It’s “home.” In fact, when I was ten years old, I played football with other kids in the yard of the home in which we are moving. Funny how life goes around. I have so many memories of days spent in this area as a kid. I have a feeling the move will inspire me to write about many of those memories. We will be living across the road from where a childhood sweetheart of mine lived. Her name was Debbie. I was so in “love” with her when I was ten. I used to daydream about having a super cool, green colored Kawasaki dirt bike that I could come riding down the road on to whisk her away to do ten-year-old romantic things, like maybe hold hands and carve our initials into a tree. Ah… those were the days!

I was nine when my parents divorced. My mom and sister and I rented a small home, more like a tiny cabin, a mile down the road from where I will soon be living. I spent hours riding my sort of cool 10-speed bike around the winding roads there, sometimes nearly wiping out in the loose gravel as I tried to take turns too quickly. But I never crashed.

My son followed me to the new place in his car (my old car) last night. We unloaded several boxes I brought with me. We will be renting the house from one of my friends. He has given us permission to start moving our things in. My current landlords agreed to shorten my lease. So I will be moving by the end of March or sooner if they find a new tenant. The kids and I spent just a short time at the house last night, discussing how we were going to arrange the living room. We hadn’t eaten dinner yet. My daughter remembers that it was 9:16 when we left there. Instead of going back the way we came, I said, “Follow me. We’ll go the other way to the store to get something easy to make for dinner.” My daughter jumped in the car with me.

We were in a happy mood as we started down the road. Regina Spektor was playing on my iPod. The song was called “Flying.” The road was too winding for us to be flying. But our spirits were flying at the thought of living in our new place soon.

Within a few short moments, our light conversations abruptly changed to short statements of concern. As through the trees we saw speeding headlights approaching the turn ahead of us, we both knew that danger was rapidly approaching. It was apparent that the oncoming car was traveling too fast to manage the sharp curve. I said, “Hold on! Hold on!” I slowed down as quickly as I could and headed for the shoulder of the road. Unfortunately, that shoulder was narrow and bordered by a wooded bank. The other car came sliding around the curve sideways in our lane. Everything was happening in slow motion as I attempted to avoid the out of control maniac. But there was nowhere for me to go. “We’re going to hit! We’re going to hit!” At the very last second, when I knew there was nothing else I could do to avoid the accident, I covered my face with my arms and ducked my head.

Slam! Bang! His car smashed into the front of mine. The air bags in my car exploded into our faces. The first thing I saw when we stopped was the passenger air bag deflating before my daughter. The interior of the car was filled with a choking smoke. “Are you okay? Are you okay?” “Daddy, my face! My face hurts! Daddy!” “Something’s on fire! Roll your window down!” I can’t get my door open! The other car is in the way! “Are you okay in there? Are you okay too?” I have to back up. Shit! His car is rolling with mine! I have to back up! Someone’s knocking on the passenger door. I’ll unlock it. “Are you both okay in there?” It’s my son. “Take my phone. Call 911!” My door’s open now. Wait. Make sure it’s in neutral. Let the clutch out. Pull the emergency brake. Put the four way flashers on. Turn off the iPod. No sense letting the battery go dead.

The next thing I remember was running to my son’s car to turn on his flashers. He was tending to his sister. “Tell that other guy to turn his flashers on before another car comes and slams into us!” Some girl with a Russian accent stopped to see if we were okay. “Don’t let her move her neck! Tell her not to move her neck!” Then she got back in her car and left. Thanks. I guess.

A police officer came. An emergency squad member arrived. The ambulance was there. Then fire trucks. Another ambulance. People all over. The road was closed. “Who was driving this black car?” “Oh, that would be me.” “Are you okay sir?” “Yes, I feel fine. My daughter is hurt though.” “We’ll take care of her.” Give my story to the police. Give my story to a squad member. They’re putting there equipment all over my brand new car. “Oh man! I didn’t even have a scratch on it before this! I haven’t even had it for two months! Why the hell are you cutting my battery cables?? Fuck! My car!”

The trip to the hospital in the ambulance with my daughter was a dream. As we were pulling away I saw a car in the road that looked like mine. “Hey, there’s my son! What’s he doing here? Man, I think I’m going to throw up…” I think I was somewhat in shock. I don’t remember most of the ride to the hospital. Then I found myself giving all my information to a grumpy emergency room worker while my daughter was wheeled away for a CT scan. My hand was x-rayed. It was only a bruise. After what seemed like an eternity, we got word that my daughter’s scan was fine. We could go home.

What a thin line separates us from this life and the next! If I was only 50 yards further down the road… If I was distracted and didn’t notice the oncoming car as soon as I did… If the car didn’t have air bags… If I was speeding like I normally do… If… If… If… We may have “gone home” for good. It was that close. The fact that we avoided a head-on collision and all walked away with only minor bruises is something for which to be sincerely thankful. Possibly we were at the right spot at the right time to break the crash of a young, speeding high school boy who before that moment most likely thought that he was indestructible, very much like the high school boy who years before nearly wrecked his father’s Volkswagen on a similar risky curve a few miles back on the same road. All is well that ends well. Cars can be replaced. The same can’t be said for people.

Here are a few photos of both cars.

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I’M TOUGH. BUT NOT LIKE THAT.

Originally posted on the website:
ctmonkeybanner

Do you like the thrill of being in a crowd? Are you in need of bodies slamming against yours? Do you like the rush that goes through you when a mass of people moves suddenly and you are lifted right off the ground and carried several feet before landing? Do you like the pleasure of a cute, sweaty girl jiggling all over you and her hair all in your face? (It’s no problem if you keep your hands up at least by your chest so you don’t inadvertently grab anything you shouldn’t, if you know what I’m saying. You need to keep your hands up anyway to protect yourself from the moshers.) If you are craving any of what I just described, than there is only one thing you need:

A Primus concert!

My good Buddy O, my son T, and I went to Roseland Ballroom in New York City to see Primus last night. (Yes, I’ve reverted to using initials instead of full names again. Remember, I’m incognito here.) Buddy O is a huge Primus fan and he’s a fantastic bass player. If you know anything about Primus, you know that their music is driven by the song writing and bass playing of Les Claypool. It is no wonder that Buddy O loves their tunes. He and I have played some of their songs together in the past. So, I knew that he would definitely appreciate going to this concert. And my son T, he likes Primus a lot too. See, I’m raising him right!

We three bumpkins from New Jersey attempted to use the trains to get into the city instead of driving this time. We took the Path train from Newark to 33rd St. in Manhattan. Then we got the R subway up to 49th St. From there it was just a short walk to Roseland on 52nd St. Once we figured out just how to use the machine to purchase Metro cards, the trip into the city was a smooth one. The subway between 33rd and 49th was completely packed at 6:30 when we got on it. We couldn’t even reach the bars to hold onto. We had to press our hands against the ceiling to keep our balance. There’s one problem being a tall guy. As soon as I lift my arms over my head, my armpits are right in someone’s face. Luckily for my fellow passengers, I had applied copious amounts of Ban deodorant to the old pits just before leaving home.

After a quick stop for a slice of tasty New York pizza, we arrived at Roseland to find a mile long line waiting to get in. There was a leftover hippie-type guy frantically canvassing the line looking to buy a ticket from someone. Too bad I sold an extra ticket that I had a few blocks before we got there. I should have waited and made a killing off the hippie! He probably would have paid me a pretty penny and maybe even thrown in his hemp bracelet and John Lennon glasses. Later I saw him inside making his way through the boisterous crowd, unaffected by the chaos. It must have been the mushrooms helping him.

The opening act of the show isn’t worth mentioning. They did have a unique creativity going on with two cellists and a drummer comprising the band. However, the singer’s pseudo-political comments before a few songs make the band unworthy of mention by name here. Buddy O even turned his back to the stage after one of her comments. That same comment prompted the crowd to throw things at her through the whole song. I just wanted to tell her she was a big, fat, pinko Communist. But that wouldn’t have been nice.

It seemed like it took an eternity for Primus to take the stage. It always feels that way when I’m waiting for a band I really like to come on. The stage hands tuned guitars and checked mic levels and all that jazz. Then they left the stage. People cheered expecting the show to start. But the stage hands came back. This happened several times. Once when the stage hands came back, a group near us started chanting, “You’re not them! You’re not them!” Finally they left for the last time and the house lights went out. That was when the crowd surged. I got shoved from behind and thought I was going to go down when my feet got tripped up. Then we surged backwards, then sideways. As soon as Primus began kicking out the riff to the first song, “Harold of the Rocks,” the place went berserk! People were jumping up and down, slamming into each other, screaming. There was nothing you could do to resist the currents running through the crowd. I soon realized that to try to stand still and hold my ground was a seriously faulty plan, especially when I was lifted right off my feet while wedged between several people. Then I thought that if I bounced and jumped a little like everyone else I would probably fare much better. But that activity became weird as soon as I realized that by jumping I was humping some sweaty dude in front of me! I stopped. I’d rather get plowed over and trampled into the floor than give any guy the impression that I had some kind of affinity for his cheeks. Yes, there were girls mingled into the whole mess. But while that was attractive, it also made things more difficult because I didn’t want to hurt any of them. At one point I felt someone’s hands grab onto my shoulders. I turned to see a girl hanging onto me and jumping her little rock-n-roll heart out. That was nice and all. But at another point, after getting slammed into pretty hard and losing my cool, I grabbed the people in front of me and pushed them forward as hard as I could, plowing them through a few rows of bodies. Then I realized that one of the people I had a grip on was a girl. Damn! I beat it out of there and hid in case her boyfriend was nearby. I didn’t want to get hurt. Wait. To be afraid of getting hurt by a girl’s boyfriend while in the midst of a frenzied mass of Primus fans where one was bound to get hurt anyway seems to be an unnecessary anxiety.

I did get kicked in the head by a girl who was crowd surfing over us. And a guy in front of me that was pumping his fist in the air along with the music whacked me in the forehead. But I didn’t get hurt too badly. My feet got the most abuse. Remind me to wear steel-toed shoes for the next Primus concert. I came close to getting hurt a few times by some guys that were doing some pretty violent moshing. One tough looking bald guy seemed out to intentionally hurt people by running into them. That wasn’t cool. It’s all fun and games until someone loses a head. Speaking of losing a head, one ingredient that the managers of Roseland Ballroom should have left out of the Primus mix was beer. People were trying to pass through that crowd with cups of beer raised above their heads. It was just my luck to get doused with beer at least three times. My shirt was soaked and dripping. I hate beer! Please, please, please! Pour rum on me! Spare me the beer!

There were two things about the show that disappointed me. The first was that the show had to be stopped after about 20 minutes because the crowd broke the barricade in front of the stage. The stage hands interrupted the band, turned the lights on and took 15 minutes to nail the barricade back to the floor. The second disappointment was that Primus only played for 90 minutes, including the down time for the barricade replacement and one short encore. When they walked off stage and the house lights came on, it just didn’t feel right. Everyone in the crowd just stood there looking at each other with a look on their faces that asked, “Is that it? What do we do now?” It was as if the lights suddenly exposed us in our foolish aggression and we all stood there with sheepish grins wondering if we should apologize for hurting each other. Then we made our way to the coat check, fetched our belongings, and five minutes later we were calmly strolling the streets of New York.

We entered the subway station at 49th St. at 11:30 to begin our journey home. We waited for the R train for over 20 minutes. Two N trains stopped and left during that time. Being the Jersey bumpkins we were, we didn’t know that the R doesn’t run downtown late at night. You need to take the N instead! Buddy O finally clarified that with a subway worker and we were able to get on the next N train. At 34th St. we had a little trouble finding the entrance to the Path station. So we took a break and bought hot dogs and beef shishkabobs from a street vendor. If one sees a street vendor after midnight, in a not so busy area such as we were in, one should question the wisdom of purchasing and consuming meat products from such vendor. Learn your lesson from me. Wait to get home to eat. After a wait that seemed longer than the wait for Primus to appear, the Path train to New Jersey arrived at the station. That was a long, sleepy trip to Newark. Buddy O was kind enough to give up his seat next to me to allow a tired but very pretty girl to sit down. I made sure to thank him for that later. But I bet this dark haired beauty wished she was standing on the opposite end of the train once she sat by me. I was reeking! I was covered with beer, smoked like a country ham by all the cigarette and marijuana smoke that surrounded me at Roseland and the residue of my own sweat and the sweat of a multitude was only beginning to dry on my skin. I was one sweet smelling bouquet. Let me tell you! I gave the girl a smile anyway. What the hell. Whatever she did in response wouldn’t be as bad as what I’d already been through that night. But damn! Don’t just ignore me, baby! Ouch! I’m tough. But not like that.

We got home at 2:30 in the morning after the 40 minute drive from Newark. Being the lazy bastard I am, I merely changed my shirt and jumped into bed when I got home. I know, “gross.” I wasn’t really lazy, just exhausted. Sometimes there’s a difference. To tell you the truth, 90 minutes of Primus was enough. I could use a good massage today. It’s not so bad when a band only leaves your ears ringing the next day. But Primus seems to be a full body experience. I can’t wait to see them on their next tour! I should be able to recuperate in a year or two! Mosh on!

HOW ‘BOUT A HAND FOR STRIPPERS?

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(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

Just when I was tempted to change my opinion of people (meaning people at large), which most likely was induced by a rather rare night of good sleep, upon retrieving the daily paper from the front porch steps, my opinion intensified. There to greet my newly awakened eyes was a headline that reinforced my assessment that the human race is made up of sick, twisted, illogical individuals:

HEADLINE: “6 SKULLS, SEVERED HAND LEAD TO STRIPPER ARREST!”

Articles about severed hands are not what I want waving at me from the front page of the newspaper first thing in the morning! It was a fine morning until I saw that headline. Opening that paper was like releasing a storm cloud into the otherwise cloud-free morning sky, tainting the sunrise, dampening the pleasant scent of the jasmine bush on the porch, and souring my assessment of mankind (womankind included).

Let’s step back and look at what the paper reported.

First, the headline said it was a stripper the police arrested. Suddenly, my perspective on strippers was challenged. This was not just a girl who would jiggle her goodies for my delight. This wasn’t one who was merely eager to slink-off her bra and show me her nearly ready to sag 31-year-old breasts while I pushed a buck into her crotch. No, this stripper wanted more! She wasn’t satisfied with the tips! She wanted the hand that stuffed them as well! (What the hell does she have in there that it could castrate a man at the wrist?)

Now, the newspaper said that the police “found the crudely severed hand in a foot-tall mason jar on a table in the basement.” They described it as large and possibly belonging to a white guy. One of the stripper’s roommates said that the residents of the house named the hand “Freddie”. They actually named it! They must have felt some amount of endearment toward the dismembered appendage. At least that is more respectful than calling it “Thing” as the Addams Family called their creepy hand that lived in a box.

Also in the house were six human skulls, neatly arranged on a shelf among other animal skulls. The police described the finding of the skulls as less “bizarre” than the discovery of the hand because “human skulls can be readily purchased on the internet.” Yes, let’s discount the skulls because the internet has normalized their availability to the average consumer. No big deal, they are only HEADS! Look, if a woman de-hands me, it’s one thing. I can probably make it through life and even continue going to strip clubs, using my other hand to continue pounding bucks into crotches. But, if she wants my head, that’s a different situation. There’s no point in having hands if my head is gone. I think someone should be a little more concerned about the skulls! Where are these internet sites that sell skulls anyway? www.heads-r-us.com? www.e-head.com? Are there headhunters in the Amazon Valley? www.amazon.com? Wait… What kind of a person would buy human skulls? (Boy, this girl is going to make me lose all faith in strippers.)

One of the most disturbing things in this news article was the reason the police were called to the stripper’s house in the first place. First the paper said, an “emotionally disturbed man” who lived at the house was “threatening to hurt himself.” No, let them rephrase that, “A caller told dispatchers a man living there was TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF WITH A HAMMER.” No! Don’t do it! Someone talk him out of it! Don’t jump! A hammer?? He was trying to kill himself with a hammer?? What has this world come to? You can’t kill yourself with a hammer! The worst you could do would be to pummel yourself hard enough in the skull to make you just a little more retarded than you already are! Kill yourself with a hammer! Good Lord! Is this what the human race has been reduced to: selling our heads on the internet and trying to kill ourselves with hammers? I’m throwing this paper back out on the porch and going back to sleep until evolution helps the rest of the world catch up!

The stripper decided to not tell the police anything. The one who bares all bared nothing this time. “She has refused to tell the police where or how she obtained the body parts.” Why waste her breath when they can just Google it? (I searched on “buy human skull” and Google gave me 4,940,000 results – in .20 seconds! One of the top listings said, “Yes, you can buy human bones. Please see the Human Skull section of our website to browse available… “) The stripper was “released after posting a $100,000 bail bond.” Any of you guys want to “give her a hand” paying that back if she defaults?

TOMMY

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(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

Once upon a time, in a lifetime faraway, my grandfather owned a diner. From the days of my earliest memories, Pop ran the diner. He rose at 4:30 every morning, without an alarm clock. He started the grills, warmed up the dishwasher, and welcomed the first customers at 6 AM. This was who he was. He made up for it with a daily nap in his downstairs office most afternoons.

I remember the office. It consisted of two small rooms and a smaller bath, or rather a “shower”. One room housed a desk with tumbling piles of receipts. The other, dimly lit, surrounded a double-sized foam mattress. Noxzema shaving cream and Close-Up toothpaste vied for predominance of the shower. It was only in dire cases that we dared tap on the office door to wake Pop in the middle of an afternoon.

My grandfather was a good man. He gave many people their first chance at a job. In addition to almost all of his grandchildren, Pop gave first jobs to many high school students in our town, one of whom was an old girlfriend of mine… story for another time. Beyond these many first starts, Pop was the helper of many a down and out fellow. From my farthest memories, Pop consistently hired men from a restaurant staffing agency out of Philadelphia. Most of these short-order cooks are now nameless faces, greasy-haired individuals apparently without house or family, soulless men of my childhood, smokers and drinkers all.

In addition to Freddie Schneider, flat-nosed out-of-towner who by miraculous length of days and despite steady streams of imbibed alcohol and cigarettes became a long-recognized pilgrim between the St. Cloud Hotel and the diner, there was five-foot-tall Tommy. Tommy was short but his heart stood tall. Tommy loved the bottled spirits. But he also loved our family. There were days when the bottle got the best of him. He would disappear for short seasons. Then I would come to the diner after school and Tommy would be back. Pop never condemned him. Tommy always returned loyalty and respect.

Tommy was the head evening cook during most of my high school days. I was the cashier and night “manager”, sixteen-year-old ruler of my female classmates who were fortunate enough to be hired by my grandfather… more stories for another time. When Tommy would vanish on one of his binges, I was the head cook, happy to exchange the handling of currency for the flipping of burgers.

Tommy had a woman. She was the widowed mother of one of the girls in my class. For easily deduced reasons, we mercilessly teased that girl with horrid renditions of “Hello Dolly”. She never saw the humor in it. Her mom was oblivious to her daughter’s hardships. Tommy loved her mom. Though I thought it was corny to see that short short-order cook nearly stand on his tippy-toes in order to put his arm around his girl, I now remember it as the act of a big man, and I realize that that’s as tall as a man gets. I still look up to Tommy in this respect.

As once-upon-a-time stories go, villains entered the plot, placid characters were disrupted and reality entered the scene. So it went with the story of Pop’s diner. One month after my high school graduation in June of 1981, Pop announced his retirement. The man was 81-years-old. He had served family and employees well. By the end of that summer, new owners had taken control of the diner, trampling freshly-painted stairs and unprepared hearts alike underfoot. I remember the non-English speaking chef plunging his nicotine-stained hands into bowls of macaroni salad. I remember the feelings of violation as Pop’s ways of procedure were carelessly neglected. I remember quitting my job at “my grandfather’s diner” and not being paid overtime by the new owner. I remember saying good-bye to Tommy.

As the world has a tendency to rotate and life has the impulse to move on, I worked at successive factories and then for the town road department after Pop laid the diner to rest. It was all new to me. I had only ever worked at our family business since I was 14. My early twenties was a time of blending into the background of our town’s economy. Once I was known as the grandson of the town’s best diner. Then I was just another blue-uniformed town road worker.

However, if the world has a tendency to rotate, it also has a tendency to come full circle. A moment of definition came one afternoon while I was standing outside the town garages. That day, under the hot summer sun, a small figure staggered across the parking lot through the heat waves. Stopping unexpectedly before me, there swayed Tommy. Most likely by the assistance of angels, the man was able to focus his eyes enough to recognize me. He stepped closer, managing to stop himself from tripping headlong into my chest. Gathering his intrinsic respect and sincerity, Tommy reached up and placed his hand on my shoulder. In that moment I was again Pop’s grandson. Tommy, setting the influence of alcohol aside, said, “Sammy, it’s me, Tommy. Remember me? It’s Tommy. Sammy, you’re grandfather was a good man. You are a good man, Sammy. I love you, Sammy.” Then the little man collapsed in my arms and I wish that I was still holding him these twenty years long. Tommy died suddenly from a brain tumor a few months later.

So, I ask myself, “Is this the way life goes?” Does a man live, despite his weaknesses of habit, to eventually make another man big by falling into his arms? Was the purpose of Tommy’s life to give stability to mine? Did he stagger into my arms to set my life in the right direction?

All I can say is, “Tommy, too early taken at the age of 50, I miss you. I love you too. My life was enlarged because of you. Thank you.”

Those Crazy Stickers

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

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“Oh, Dude! Is that YOU with all those crazy stickers??”

Well… actually it’s not me. It’s my car.

So, what stickers do we (my car and I) have?

Here’s the list:


  • Virginia is for Lovers
  • 5 Bouncing Souls stickers (how the sticker craziness originally began)
  • mot gilk?
  • D W drums
  • World Inferno Friendship Society
  • Toastmasters International
  • Free Tibet
  • Dino Velvet (my brother’s old band – as opposed to HIS NEW BAND)
  • New Hampshire Moose Crossing
  • Apple logo
  • Kill Your Television (need a reason to kill your TV? click HERE.)
  • Read Banned Books (they are better for your brain than TV.)
  • Underdog and Sweet Polly
  • The Pink Panther
  • Large Band-Aid on the dent on the bumper
  • Smiley face (because the Band-Aid made it all better)
  • a Harley Davidson sticker
  • This Car Climbed Mt. Washington (for real, yo!)
  • a faded Van’s sneakers sticker
  • American flag (upside down)
  • Canadian flag (upside down)
  • Long Beach Island (upside down)
  • New Hampshire (upside down)
  • Cape May (upside down) (not pictured. this photo was taken in Cape May before I bought the sticker.)
  • Earth (right side up)
  • and most importantly… 01.20.09… George W. Bush’s last day in office. Lord haste the day!
  • P.S. – Vote for Pedro