(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

“I’ll take Annoying Lung Diseases for $500, Alex.”

“This pain in the bronchial tubes can make you out of breath while merely talking, make you cough like a dying hyena while laughing, and make you feel like your 400 pound Aunt Gertha is sitting on your chest.”

“What is ASTHMA?”

“Oh! Right you are! Choose again.”

“Could I have Less Than Exciting Experiences for $100, please?”

“This Less Than Exciting Experience involves having sensors attached to your scalp, chest, legs, and a breathing monitor around your mid-section while spending the night in a place other than your own bedroom.”

“What is a sleep study at the medical center?”

“That is correct!”

The best part of knowing for sure that my breathing ailments are due to asthma is the relief that they are not caused by something more serious. It’s not a tumor! It’s merely constricted airways.

The worst part of knowing that I have asthma is… having asthma! What a pain in the chest! It’s annoying. It’s aggravating. It’s every other negative word that starts with “A” that I can’t think of right now. At times I get out of breath while having a conversation. Other times I am huffing and puffing just from walking from one side of the office to the other. Look out if I break out in an unexpected laugh! I can start coughing and gagging fiercely enough that you would be convinced that at any second my left lung was going to launch out of my mouth and bonk you in the forehead!

However, in addition to the relief which knowledge brings, learning what triggers asthma and what I can do to avoid it is a good thing. For instance, I did not know that sulfites may cause asthma trouble. Even one glass of wine with sulfites can do it. Also, acid reflux aggravates asthma symptoms. Several months ago, I discovered that I have a minor reflux problem. Treating this and avoiding the foods that cause digestive upsets will in turn help my asthma.

In addition, the doctor believes I am suffering from sleep apnea. It’s connected with the asthma. I sometimes stop breathing in my sleep, not as long as I’m sure my ex-wife would like, but it happens once in a while. Typically, I don’t snore. Lately, with increased asthma symptoms, I have been snoring a bit. I do wake up with mild asthma attacks some nights. Because of all this, the doctor wants me to spend a night in the sleep center at the hospital. How wonderful! Geesh.

I may not be a game show champion. But at least I won knowledge, relief, and proper treatment. Those are pretty nifty consolation prizes.