Cynic or Realist?

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

1 son plus 4 impacted wisdom teeth multiplied by insurance carrier hassles squared = $400 out of my pocket up front.

Dang! That’s the deal. My son needs his wisdom teeth removed. He has some pain in his lower jaw. The oral surgeon has had problems dealing with my insurance carrier in the past. So, he wants 20% of the fee paid before he will operate. That is the amount I will probably be obligated to pay anyway. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to pay it all at once.

I was going to rag about my financial annoyances at this point. But I will spare you. We all have them. Don’t we?

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Hey! Speaking of financial annoyances… Look who’s coming to town soon! Santa Spud!

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I don’t know… I’m a little suspicious that the beard isn’t real.

Doesn’t he look like he’s being robbed?

“No! Please! Don’t shoot! Take the bag of gifts! Take the reindeer!”

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I think Christmas should be a totally spontaneous thing. When I feel like doing and when I have the money, then it will be Christmas. It may happen in December. It may happen in April or August. When I’m in the mood to be generous and festive, we will have Christmas.

It’s not that I’m a humbug either. I like to be generous. I like to give gifts to people and make them happy. I just can’t stand the commercialism and hype at this time of the year. “The Holiday Season.” No. It’s a corporate greed driven stressful time of the year. It’s shitty. And I wish that there would be a law to take away any mention of Jesus at this time of the year because this is not the type of social environment that He would promote. Let it all be about Santa and elves and toys and trees and lights and all the rest. Let it all be as thin and worthless as tinsel. We already know it is.

Am I being a cynic or a realist? Is there a difference all the time?

Posted at 9:30 PM (EST)

Was That About God?

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

Sometimes, when I write an article like this or like this, people want to know who it is about. For people who know me a little more personally, there may be enough clues in the article to cause them to think that they know who it is about. I admit that I do it on purpose to make people wonder. Very rarely do I tell very many people who these articles are about. Once I had an ex-girlfriend email me and ask who an article was about. (One day I’ll have to write an article about ex-girlfriends getting all weird when reading my stuff. Maybe I will even write about one who used a different email address and had me fooled for a short time.)

Well, today someone called me and asked about my recent entry “Sometimes, When It Snows.”

Before I go on, let me say that if you have not read that entry, go read it now before you read the rest of this passage. If you read the rest of this, it might spoil the entry for you. So go on! Scoot on over there and read. I’ll be right here waiting…

So, this friend calls me on the phone at work this afternoon and says, “Hey! That article you wrote about missing someone when it snows… Was that about God?”

Oh man! I nearly choked from laughing so hard! Check out some of the lines from the article and just imagine me saying these things to or about GOD…

“You held my arm so that you would not fall on the steps, then waited for me to open the door for you.” – What? Is God a shriveled up little old lady now?

“Not knowing where to begin or which important thing would mean the most to you, I asked if you were warm enough and comfortable. Maybe that meant the most to you after all.” – Yup! That is exactly what God is waiting to hear from all of us. Forgot about, “Praise You, Lord, for you are so awesome and holy!” Nevermind, “Father, I thank You for all of Your many blessings.” Don’t even bother praying, “Lord, lead us not into temptation.” Just ask Him if He is warm and comfortable.

“I remember periods of time when it was difficult for you to smile and days when you didn’t smile at all. For a time, it was my mission to make you smile.” – Poor God! So sad! If it wasn’t for me, He wouldn’t have smiled at all.

“I guess it was that foolish assumption that you would always be there that left me wide open to the harsh certainty of reality… Even you, you who made it feel like the world had stopped and I could rest for ever when you were near, have gone. Is life designed for love or for sorrow primarily?” – You know… sadly… I think some people really do say such things about God. Or maybe they don’t actually say them, but they feel them. They feel abandoned and alone. Facing the stark, cold realities of life… just like being stranded out there in the snow. Well, I understand that too. I know what that feels like.

But none of these lines were written to God. They were simply written to another person who I was close to for some time. I am disappointed that this person didn’t stay in touch like I thought they would. I feel somewhat hurt. I still miss her.

Posted at 11:45 PM (EST)

It’s Not Often That I Use the Word “Naugahyde”

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

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Now doesn’t that look comfortable? All comfy inside a sleeping bag with a nice soft pillow, sipping on Kool-Aid and not even needing to hold it.

Well, that will be me in a few minutes. Only I’ll be snuggled in bed with my favorite comforter and my own pillow. I’ve been feeling “migrainy” all day. I haven’t gotten the big bad headache yet. But I’ve felt “out of it” all day. I’ve been pretty spacey all day. More than usual. I’m weak and dizzy. Lots of tension in my neck and shoulders. Nauseous. Normally my migraines start with the blind spots for about 20 minutes. Then I get the bad headache and all the rest of the symptoms. Today it all feels backwards.

So I’m throwing a few words up here on the ol’ website before I finally poop out.

* * * * *
Speaking of throwing up…

While consulting the dictionary to find out how to spell nauseous, a few words caught my eye.

Do you know what “nautch” is?

Nautch – “an entertainment in India consisting chiefly of dancing by professional dancing girls.”

Also on this page…

Naugahyde – “a trademark name used for vinyl-coated fabrics.”

Nauganautch – “an Indian entertainment featuring professional dancers in low budget costumes.”

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On the music scene…

While writing this I am listening to the Grateful Dead’s “Workingman’s Dead.” Believe it or not, this is the very first Grateful Dead album I have EVER listened to! My good friend, Pete Martin, let me borrow it along with some Lyle Lovett CDs. I am definitely not a Dead Head. Nope. Sorry. But then again… with this impending migraine…

Lately, in the car, I’ve been listening through all of my Led Zeppelin CDs. I don’t know. I get in the mood once in a while and end up listening through all the albums for certain bands.

I’ve also been reading a book about Zeppelin called “Hammer of the Gods” by Stephen Davis. I haven’t gotten very far into it yet. It begins with what amounts to a disclaimer of all the wild rumors about the band. “Oh, no, no! They never did this! They never really did that! And they certainly didn’t do that thing with the dead shark and the under age girl! Stairways to heaven, NO!” I don’t know. It just kind of makes me believe it all the more.

Reading books like these is just mindless entertainment at this point. My brain can’t handle anything heavy duty right now.

* * * * *
Let’s see… What else?

Should I tell you about how I got a tip from a friend about a cute girl at a certain business near our office? And about how my nervousness turned me into a bumbling idiot when I went there and actually spoke to her? About the way I asked stupid questions about their services and prices just to try to engage her in conversation? No, I don’t think I will tell you that. That would be embarrassing.

Her name is April. At least I managed to ask what her name was without stuttering too much. She didn’t ask for my name. It’s probably best if she doesn’t know at this point. She would only make really bad mental associations right now. “Sam… starts with S… like… STUPID… STUTTER… STALKER…”

* * * * *
Obviously… my last brain cell is fading quickly…

Pillow time…

Posted at 8:30 PM (EST)

Mutual of Sammyha’s Wild Kingdom

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

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Welcome to the show! Are you old enough to remember when Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom was on television on Sunday nights? I believe it was on right before the Wonderful World of Disney.

And now… your hosts for this evening’s show…

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Marlin Perkins and… some strange guy…

And now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, let’s explore our planet’s wildlife… Go ahead and click on the pictures to see almost but not quite life size versions of these ferocious critters. Don’t be scared! They aren’t real. They are just digital images taken by the nut job who runs this website.

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Oh look! It’s the New Jersey Single-eyed Dove! Don’t get too close! She’ll pluck your eye out ’cause she has eye envy. You have two good eyes and she only has one. This particular species of carnivorous dove lives right in Mom’s back yard!

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“Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it?”

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Shhh! It doesn’t take much to scare off this majestic looking fellow. It’s amazing that he even posed for as long as he did when our car came to a screeching halt on this country road and we jumped out and clicked his picture!

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Moving along down another country road, what do we have here?

“Set! 22! 59! Hike!”

Nah! I’m just kidding! They aren’t really playing football! But it does make one wonder why they are standing in such a formation. And it reminds me of my cow tipping days when I was just a little lad growing up here in Omaha. Just push the one on the top of the hill over and they will all tumble like dominoes! What fun! Cowminoes! (Is a “cowmino” really the same thing as a “calf”? Hmm… Something is a little fishy here…)

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Since we are on the farm now, let’s take a look at this proud fellow. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Is he thinking what we are thinking? Can roosters hike their legs?

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Oh man! Uh… Ah… We better move along folks. I kinda put a picture of his dead brother on the internet. Oh boy! I think he recognizes me! Ya never know about these guys! They can be kinda squirrely! Come on… Move along now…

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Oh look! No, up there! It’s a Northeastern Hop Pigeon! See how he looks just like an ordinary pigeon yet only has one leg! These fellows are not very common. But now and then you might spot one in cities such as Manhattan.

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What? Oh, splendid! You found a mantis! A big one too! Thank you for your participation!

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Well… Our time is up now everyone. But wait! Look who just arrived! (No, that is not another salad picture.) It’s Mr. Slug! Slow and slimy wins the race! Right?

Thank you for tuning in, my friends!

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(This show has been brought to you by Just-Needed-Something-To-Write-About Productions in association with Utterly Ridiculous Web Writers Omynous.)

Posted at 11:15 PM (EST)

Irsty?

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

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IRSTY?

Maybe what we need around here is another photo of a few cute girls. What do you think? Isn’t that better than some of yesterday’s photos? Unless you really dig salad, Spanish booze and my stinky old sneakers! To each his own. But I’d rather see cute girls any day.

No, I’m not going to tell you who they are or give any phone numbers out. They’re my girls! Well, at least one of them is.

* * * * *
In other news…

I managed to run at lunchtime today. Curse the Spanish booze! Ironman and Spanish-brandy-man cannot inhabit the same body. Somebody has to go.

The girl who sits next to me at work ran today! Our goal is to run each day this week. It would be nice to run the whole course we set out without stopping.

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“Hey pig…” Today’s backgound music is Nine Inch Nails. No, I didn’t just call you pig. Don’t take it personally. Pigs have feelings too, you know.

Posted at 4:00 PM (EST)