(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

RECENTLY I completed an interview for an online forum that I participate in. I decided to post my responses to four out of the five interview questions on my site as well. This is the third of four journal entries based on these questions.

QUESTION 3. You’ve got more kids than most people I know and have been a single parent to some of them during parts of their lives. What are some of the highs and lows you’ve had along the way being a dad? Are you one big happy family when everyone is together? Do the kids know you journal online?

The lowest of the lows for me is that I am running this circus on my own. I work. I fix the car. I shovel the snow. I lift the heavy objects and open the lids on jars. I also change the diapers, sew the holes in the clothes, put the Band-Aids on, pick out the curtains, arrange the flowers. When I was married I did many of those things anyway. I never thought, “You wash the dishes. That’s a woman’s job. I’m gonna go pull the transmission outta my Dodge Ram.” The point is that, as a single dad, I don’t have the choice to not do some things because there is no one else to do it if I don’t.

There are things I’ve had to do that a woman would have done a much better job at, especially when it comes to caring for little girls. The hair is the hard part! A little girl can’t go to school every day with all of her hair pulled back over her head into one big pony tail because that is all dad can manage. I’ve had to adapt. I can braid and do some semi-fancy hair tricks now. I’ve also gone from not seeing much of a need for curtains if you have shades, to having an eye for curtains that actually compliment the living room furniture. I think I’ve also gained a type of “motherly” gentleness in relating to my kids. They know that they can come to me for comfort and understanding. I never had that with my dad when I was a kid.

At this point, when my three oldest children are all teenagers who have had a fairly rough life because of their mother’s alcoholism, a very big high for me is to hear compliments about my kids from other people. To hear how responsible my 17-year-old daughter is in school and at work gives me satisfaction. To hear how good-natured my 16-year-old son is and how he often steps in to make peace among his peers rather than promoting or simply ignoring strife and potential violence, makes me proud. All of my kids are well behaved. I could brag about them forever. Sure, they have had their “moments” and have gotten into some petty trouble in school and whatnot. But overall they are turning out to be good people, sincere people, and people who realize that life is often difficult and you have to be flexible and persistent if you want to survive.

Another high is that we love to have fun. We are a crazy bunch! We blow the horn and wave to people as we are driving just to see if they wave back. We play football with rolls of Scott toilet paper in the store. We put music on at home and dance like various animals. We laugh like idiots while watching stupid movies. We are all rather witty and can find something to laugh at in almost any situation. I have to admit that I sort of provoke it all most of the time. I have to set an example as a dad. Right? I figure that if we don’t have a sense of humor, the difficulties in our circumstances will overwhelm us.

So I think I answered the one part of that question. Yes, we are one big happy family when we are together. My youngest daughters live with my second wife in Georgia now. That is a world away from New Jersey. That situation is a tremendous low for all of us. Yet, when the girls come here, the bond between everyone is very strong. They were only 1 and 3 when we separated. They lived in West Virginia at the time and I made that 400-mile trip 20 times in 1997 to insure that there would be a bond between all of the children. Now I see the fruit of that effort. I would drive the miles, and cry the tears, and experience the broken-heartedness again and again if I had to. Bonds of love that are not weakened by hundreds of miles of separation are sweet fruit.

The kids know that I journal online. They get a kick out of it. They know that I write about them. They know I might tell some semi-embarrassing stories involving them and sometimes post some unflattering photos. But they know I will never betray them. I often talk with them about things that I write and about reactions that I receive from readers. They understand that writing and photography are passions for me. They know when I have something stewing in my brain and I’m a little distracted. They are used to having me suddenly pull the car over to the side of the road and jumping out with my camera to catch something that caught my eye. Creativity is part of my life. I am open with the kids about my endeavors and ideas so that they will develop their own creativity as well. My website is one main medium in which I express my creativity. They have always known about it and have been encouraged to pursue their own projects because of it.

PART 4 TOMORROW!

(Originally posted on the website Continuum…)

RECENTLY I completed an interview for an online forum that I participate in. I decided to post my responses to four out of the five interview questions on my site as well. This is the second of four journal entries based on these questions.

QUESTION 2. You’ve been married twice and divorced twice. Are you still the marrying kind? If so, what do you want to do differently the next time? If not, why not?

Oh my! What a question! Divorced twice? Marry again? Everyone is on the edge of their seats… If he answers that he would marry again he must be a fool! If he says he won’t, he must be bitter and cynical about relationships. Ah! If he does declare online that he still is the marrying type, maybe he will receive a flood of emails from interested and beautiful single women!

Maybe he should just answer the damn question!

I am going to say that I am still the marrying kind. I believe that marriage is a good thing. Plus, I have always been the kind of person who has no problem with commitment. I would prefer to find that one person to be with until the world ends. That would be a good thing. Whether that will happen for me is questionable.

As to what I would do differently the next time, I don’t think there would be major drastic changes in the way I would approach things. How do I explain this so that it doesn’t sound like I’m saying that I was completely faultless in my marriages and it was all their fault?

Those who know me personally and watched me walk through those very difficult times will tell you that I was more patient and forgiving than most would have been. I was of the opinion that marriage was a sacred thing. We vowed before God and a whole church full of people that we would be faithful to each other until one of us died. I took that seriously. And I loved both of them. So I went that extra mile out of love and commitment. When it became apparent that my first wife had a drinking problem, I did what I could to keep things together, care for the children, try to convince her to get help, etc. When my second wife decided that she just didn’t want to be married and wanted to “live her own life,” I suggested that we get some help and work through things. She had moved close to 400 miles away to stay with her mom. I did a lot of driving to see my daughters and to try to communicate with her. Strangely, she had made up her mind and refused to discuss it.

My experience has shown me that it does take two to make a marriage work. But it does not necessarily take two to ruin it. Sometimes it just takes one spouse with serious emotional problems or with no desire to continue the marriage to make it all fall apart. Often I have tortured myself by thinking, “It must be my fault. I must have some terrible personality traits that I’m not even aware of. Or maybe I’m schizo and don’t even know that there are more than one of me in here!” No, I did my best and it just didn’t work out.

All of that to finally get to answering the actually question. What I would do differently is a.) communicate better and with less fear, realizing that avoiding confrontation does not produce a strong relationship, b.) be more decisive, c.) be less of an enabler and draw the line sooner when it comes to someone’s poor behavior. These were a few of my weak points. I’ve learned this the hard way. But I learned it!

(Now that I think about it… Renee Zellweger and I look pretty good together! And Snyder is a much better last name. I liked her best in “Jerry Maguire.” “You had me at hello.” That line gets me every time! Somebody do me a favor and email this picture to her. I can hear the revised line now… “You had me at ‘You’ve got mail!'”)

PART 3 COMING SOON!