(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

I found this at a park recently. It was lying on top of a garbage can. It is dated June 1, 2006.

Now I am curious. Was this fellow able to work things out? Why are there arrows by #4 and #5 on the “Can Do” list? Why is he “trying” to be honest? Why is that a struggle? Did he previously fail at being faithful?

And what’s up with Katie? What’s with the “sudden anger?” Is she really that authoritative? Why is she attacking him and dishonoring him in front of the children? What kind of surveillance? Cameras? Phone tapping? Web cams in the house? Is she really this much of a bitch? Or has she been hurt because he didn’t try hard enough at being honest and faithful in the past?

I wonder if he thought of the quote on page two himself or if his therapist said it. I wonder if he and Katie took it to heart and gave it their best effort?

I wonder where they are now and if he threw this page away after two years because things were resolved or because things were beyond repair and he finally canned it.

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

I was getting coffee from the shop in our office the other day. I saw this label and laughed… because “Rain Forest Nut” brings to mind a crazy man in the Amazon jungles, complete with ragged shorts, leathery skin, and bushy beard with a plentitude of tiny creatures nesting in it. At least, that’s what “Rain Forest Nut” brings to MY mind.

Just after I took this picture, a group of managers walked into the shop.

“Oh my god! Look! They have Rain Forest Nut today!”

“Yessss!”

“Finally!”

They were bouncing with excitement, like mindless rain forest monkeys.

The other coffee choice that day was “Harvard Blend.” The monkeys turned away with disdain.

I was not surprised.

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

This is in a bar nearby.

I think every bar should have urinals equipped with handles. I’m tired of long nights of drinking that cause me to pee with such force that I knock myself down. Although, since I only have one hand to spare, how am I going to hold onto both handles? There is the fault in the design. If I only hold one I’ll just end up spinning myself around. Anyone waiting in line behind me isn’t going to be happy. Maybe they need to add a harness that straps around your waist. Or just one handle across the top. Or stirrups. (What?)

(Originally posted on the website Heron Flight)

I feel lousy today.

“Lousy.” What a word.

According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, “The Words You Need Today” and “Over 35 Million Sold!”, and currently sandwiched between The Roget’s 21st Century Thesaurus and The 17th Century King James Version of the Bible on my desk, “lousy” means:

1. infested with lice;
2. POOR, INFERIOR (yes, in capital letters);
3. amply supplied (~ with money).

Guess which one describes how I feel.

No, not #1. Although, I would not complain about #1 if I could have #3 also.

Using our mighty powers of deduction, that leaves me feeling like #2. Yes, I feel like #2, a big ol’ doodie. An inferior doodie, if you will. A poor piece of shit. My bank account attests to the fact, as does my mental and physical states. (The last item probably having something to do with the evil tendency I wrote about yesterday.)

But which is worse? To be “lousy” or “loutish”?

Merriam? Webster?

“Lout” – a stupid awkward fellow.

Poor? Yes. Inferior? Probably. Infested with lice? If need be.

Stupid and Awkward? Never.

And now I found a new Power Insult: “You LOUSY LOUT!” I gotta go walk around the office and find someone to try it out on. NOW!